Monday, June 15, 2009

SPAM: Not The E-mail Kind

It seems I've been deceived for a little over five years now.

"A little over five years" is how long I've been dating Eddie. And all this time I thought, Wow, how lucky am I to have gotten such a great guy? "Normal" and "good people" are words that came to mind when I thought about him.

But recently I found out what I actually got was someone whose white trash roots run deep. How did I come upon this disturbing nugget of information, you ask?

It was revealed to me when Ed bought a can of
SPAM and a box of macaroni and cheese and asked me to make it.

As a meal.

To eat.

As any self-respecting Italian and self-proclaimed foodie would do, I promptly refused. I told him I simply could not. No way. I knew I wouldn't be able to open a can of what I was sure was going to smell like cat food.

And then he read me this little tidbit from Wikipedia:

"Spam is a canned precooked meat product made by the Hormel Foods Corporation. The labeled ingredients in the classic variety of Spam are: chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, sugar, and sodium nitrite to help keep its color. Spam's gelatinous glaze, or aspic, forms from the cooling of meat stock."

When I heard the words "gelatinous glaze" I wanted to vomit.

He was shocked to find out that I had never had SPAM. I thought I had SPAM once, but when I checked with my mother (after she got off the floor, yet still while clutching her heart), she told me that I "absolutely did not" and if I did "it wasn't under my roof", that I must have eaten it at a friend's house. I have a very vague memory of trying it, but I can't pin down when or where. Besides, I really can't imagine my father letting SPAM get past him and into the kitchen, so I guess she was right.

So I just wanted to let you all know, that if for some reason my postings here abruptly stop, it's because I ate the SPAM. And if my demise is caused by SPAMicide, I leave it to my friends, family and dear readers to find Eddie a suitable partner to take my place. He'll never find another me, but maybe he'll find someone who knows how to fry up a nice hunk of meat product.

Your best bet would probably be to set up a booth in a trailer park and offer up some food while they fill out applications and wait for their personal interviews. You might want to try some of the following items as bait to make sure you lure just the right girl...

Vienna Sausages, pork rinds, spray cheese in a can, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Dinty Moore stew, macaroni and cheese and lots and lots of SPAM. Watch the candidates roll on in!

Do me proud; try to get someone with a full set of teeth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
How Casting A Memory Begins With A Fish
A Weekend At The End Of The Rainbow
If I Were In People Magazine
Free Mudflap


Gil said...

Kind of reminds me of when the four of us kids begged and begged our Italian parents to buy that Chef Boyardee raviolios or whatever in the can that they were advertising on tv. Our parents bought the garbage and we had to eat it. My wife's Yankee family is into Spam will send you Spam burger recipe when she is done with school this month.

Ann said...

In Hawaii, they make sushi with SPAM. (A Hawaiian co-worker brought some in for us to sample.)

And my dearly departed grandparents, born in the south, lived through two world wars and the great depression, loved the stuff, and Vienna Sausages, too. These meat products will always fondly remind me of them. (But personally, I don't eat the stuff.)

Ed's Mom said...

what can I say...We don't eat mac and spam very it remains a special treat when we do. Maybe you could learn to like it? They have a cookbook with different ways to fix it. Due to our national economy situation, it is becoming popular again..yummy
ed's mom

The Daily Rant said...

There isn't any situation, economy or otherwise, that could be bad enough for me to eat SPAM. :)

Dreamybee said...

Yeah, Spam is big in Hawaii. When McDonald's changes its menu to include it, you know it's a big deal. Local chef/celebrity Sam Choy is also known for using Spam in his dishes-maybe you could find a recipe to use that would work for both you and Eddie-just leave the Spam out of your half! :)

Stace said...

Offering up some vienna sausages would definitely lure me in. I can see it now ...

Oh, Ed, is that a vienna sausage you're holding, or are you just happy to see me? ;-)

Angela said...

I can't say as I've ever eaten SPAM myself, but sadly everthing you listed in the last paragraph (minus pork rinds) are on my list of things to nosh on when other higher quality food stuffs are unavailable! haha

I suppose if I ever become single and you die of SPAMacide, I could attempt to fill in until a more suitable replacement is found for Eddie. haha

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the Spam aversion. But even some of us Italians are guilty of a similar crime - do you remember your parents ever buying "Simmenthal"? It's a HUGE success in Italy, described as "beef in jelly". Sound familiar? I confess (in shame) to being a kid and slathering that crap on bread. Here's the link to Kraft's website

The Daily Rant said...

Gil: We never had anything in a can. We never had the "cool" snacks or lunches....we'd go to school with eggplant parmigiana sandwiches and as a snack, Italian pastries leftover from Sunday. My other friends had Bologna sandwiches or ham and cheese (which today I know is just as gross as SPAM...I'd rather have an eggplant parm anyday!) And they had those cheese and cracker packages or Cheetos for snacks....I never in my life HAD a cheese and cracker package, so of course I wanted it. LOL But now I'm actually GLAD my parents never bought that crap. :)

Ann & Dreamybee: I know! Ed was reading about it online. My response? Go to Hawaii.

Stace: I might be able to forgive a Vienna Sausage, but not SPAM.

Gi-Gi: You've got the job! At least he'll get somenoe who knows how to back a truck into a dock. LOL

Anonymous: I can't be included in your "us Ialiana" parent NEVER bought anything encased in jelly, let alone a meat product.

Anocsanamun said...

LOL! EVEN Carmelo cracked up on this one!