Monday, July 12, 2010

Bakin' It The Fake Way

I need a tan. Not so much want. NEED.

Thing is, I hate heat and I hate the sun. I'm more inclined to spend time in Alaska during that time of year when their days are mostly nights but since I'm not an Ice Road Trucker and I don't really want to be sitting on the top of the world by myself, I often ponder how I'm going to go about getting that golden glow of summer.

We haven't really been anywhere this summer where we've had time at a beach or pool. I'm not a huge fan of the beach anyway (sand, ick), but I don't mind doing the pool every now and again. Problem is, I'd need to be there on a regular basis to build a tan. And ideally, I'd like a little bit of a tan to even make a public appearance in a bathing suit (as my Aunt Ronni used to say, "Tan fat is more attractive than white fat") but I don't see how I'm going to make that happen either.

I really don't do the "laying out" thing like girls used to do in high school; setting up your folding chair in the backyard, slathering yourself with Hawaiian Tropic and sitting there for hours talking about boys. I didn't do it then and I don't do it now.

But, I need this damn tan. I'm feeling very pasty and my bronzer is just not cutting it. I really have no inclination to put my ass in a lounge chair under anything that resembles daylight with heat, so I think I might have to resort to a) spray tan, b) tanning booth or c) self-tanner.

I've had a spray tan before and the results were just "eh"; it wasn't quite dark enough for me. The tanning booth is okay and it's quick, but I'd have to find one with truck parking, which might be a possibility if I scope out a place at a strip-mall (or regular mall). And the self-tanner thing is just out; besides not wanting to have orange cuticles for three weeks, I cannot rely on Ed's help for this at all. There is just no way he'd be interested in meticulously applying self-tanner to every inch of my body no matter how much he loves me. And I'd just be a Nazi telling him how to do it; where to put it, how much to use, how to apply it to reduce streaking, how not to get it on his clothes. And no matter how hard he'd try, I'd likely go all control freak and tell him how he's doing it all wrong anyway. There's no way it would be as sexy an experience as Cosmo leads us to believe it would be.

Since I have to chose the lesser of those three evils (four, if you count the actual sun), I guess the quickest and easiest way for me to get color is going to have to be the tanning bed. And I'll have to do it soon because summer is halfway over as it is.

Unless there's some miraculous way I don't know about. Any suggestions??

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Elegant Gathering Of A Life
My, What A Nice Berg You Have
The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Grapes Being Crushed Into Wine
There Are No Words To Explain The Misery Of A Three Digit Temperature
New York State Of Mind


june in florida said...

I don't comment much but I am reading every day,I think you probably have a lot of readers. Good luck with the tan.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried going to a spa for a spray on tan? I did the Spa at Nordstrom once and was pretty happy with it. No modesty though! (Paper underwear were offered but ultimately they were more hassle than they were worth...) It lasted a decent amount of time and didn't smell weird.

Anonymous said...

YOU my little friend are CRACKED!! GO. OUT. S.I.D.E. Out side is GOOD! There is sun, fresh air, blue skies, fluffy white clouds, beautiful breezes. Shit I wish I could go out right NOW, but I'm sad to say it's DARKish! That meaning NO sun. :)

I would love to share my golden glow and if I could you know I would!

Love you!