Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Have A Happy Thanksgiving And Choke On A Turkey Bone For Us

Yesterday, I got a lovely email just in time for the holidays!

The email wasn't signe, but came from which is the email address that belongs to Deanna Stetson Giattino (a.k.a. Deanna Giattino), the sewer rat my father used to live with before he died.

Here is that email, formatted just as it came in:

Subject: the witch of the west

Dear? saleena
I pray for you, you are a very sad jealous, demented thing, you need help not only to loose weight, but to be able to go on with your devicious scheming plan . I don't know what you want to accomplish, I hope your effort were not wasted, and that ED gets this email before you do so that he can drop you before he realizes that you used him the way you used your father and everyone else. You are a lazy sick ,parasite, whom I hope will self distruct doing us all a favor HAVE A HAPPY THANKGIVING and choke on a turkey bone for us

Here is my response:

Interesting that you should write something to me that so closely mirrors you and your life. But since you have, let's go through this line by line; as painful as that will be since it seems you have no command of the English language, spelling, or grammar. Below, I will deconstruct the e-mail I received. Your words are in bold, my responses will be just beneath them in red, so you won't get confused.

Let's begin...

Dear? saleena
First of all, my name is spelled S-A-L-E-N-A and using "Dear" is even too fake for you.

I pray for you,
You pray? Shocking. But you'd really be better off praying for yourself since you're going to need all the help you can get. Don't waste your prayers on me, I already have an angel in heaven.

you are a very sad jealous, demented thing
Jealous of what? Your spelling prowess? Your imagined superiority in life? Your pristine morals? Your home, decorated to look like a cheap, Vegas hotel room with all that trashy animal print? Your frizzy hair? Your non-existent real estate career? Your loser children? Your stripper daughter? Your luck with men? Your reputation in Goshen?

Remind me again what exactly I'm supposed to be jealous of?

you need help not only to loose weight, but to be able to go on with your devicious scheming plan.
By the way, it's "lose" not "loose."

So, should I get help losing weight so I can be thin and get a job stripping at the Olympic Garden in Las Vegas, like your skanky daughter Gena? (What does she call herself on stage these days? Is it her given name of Gena Stetson or Stetson Gena? It's one of those monikers, isn't it?) Clever stripper name. You must be so proud.

Oh, or maybe I should be thinner so I can snag a quality husband like your son Richard Stetson was - but then I'd have to worry if he was still doing drugs, or if we'd have a car to drive since he seems to wreck every one he gets behind the wheel of.

Or maybe, oh I don't know, I should be thin like your sister Doreen Tuccillo Leclerc (oh wait, she's not thin anymore, is she?) so I can lure someone else's husband (you know the guy I'm talking about) to have sex with me? Then, as a bonus, they might be able to help me with my "devicious" plan. And I assume by "devicious" you meant "devious".

Or maybe I should just take up drinking to replace all the food in my diet? Lord knows it works well for you and your relatives.

I don't know what you want to accomplish, I hope your effort were not wasted, and that ED gets this email before you do so that he can drop you before he realizes that you used him the way you used your father and everyone else.
You really shouldn't worry about Ed dropping me, he knows how to love someone unconditionally, which is probably a foreign concept for you. Too bad you won't ever know what it feels like to be loved like that.

Now, what's this about me using my father and everyone else? How exactly do you see that I used my father? I actually think YOU are the one who did that best. Should I refresh your memory on all the ways you manipulated my father and how you took advantage of his good nature?

Didn't my father help your son Richard get a car loan?  I believe Richard repeatedly missed payments on that loan, which isn't surprising. 

And didn't my father pay to have your back porch built?

And didn't my father give you over $800 every month for your bills?

And didn't my father pay for your vacations?

And didn't my father cook lavish dinners for you and your ungrateful family when he should have been with his own?

And didn't my father give you $25,000 toward the purchase of condo you wound up selling for a profit? (The one where you kept his share of the money too.  Remember that?)

You seem to forget that I have access to ALL of his credit card bills, ALL of his bank statements, and ALL of his notes. It seems most of my father's money went to you and your needs. Oh, and of course to your son, who has to live at home because he's not a "user" either, is he? He must get that trait from you.

You should really look at the log in your eye before pointing out the speck in another's. But I guess if you're praying, you would know that scripture, wouldn't you?

You are a lazy sick ,parasite, whom I hope will self distruct doing us all a favor
Lazy? Hmm....I don't believe I'm the one who has not worked for over twenty years while living off of my dead husbands' money (the two before my father). I DO have a job you know, and I've had a job since I'm thirteen years old. I have worked all of my life, much as I do now. But, come to think of it, do you work? I haven't known you to sell a house in twenty years.

I've seen you heading off to play tennis, or getting your frizz managed at the hair salon, but I've never actually known you to work. Unless you consider home-wrecking a job. You've done that well. And that pathetic little job you currently have in Goshen? I guess you need to work now because you don't have someone paying your bills anymore or giving you money every month. You let that gravy train die, remember?

As for a parasite, I don't think I could have come up with a better word. To describe you, that is. It's so accurate! Bravo. I always have a plethora of choice words reserved just for you, but parasite is a new one. I like it. Thanks. I'll make sure to add it to my list.

Of course, my opinion of you is just that, my opinion, but I would bet my last dollar (from that little thing I have called a job) that I'd be able to put together a VERY long list of others who think the same exact way about you as I do. It wouldn't be hard to find them, as people who hate you are everywhere. The Tuccillo, Stetson, and Giattino names don't have such a stellar reputation, you know.

And don't worry your frizzy little head about me self-destructing anytime soon either; I have a great family, great boyfriend, great friends, loads of talent, humor, a big heart and oh, let's not forget....all of that fat to keep me alive and sustain me through the harsh winters. I should be able to get by mighty fine on that.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKGIVING and choke on a turkey bone for us
This is the best closing of any letter I've ever seen. I actually think Hallmark should use this for a holiday card: "Have a Happy Thanksgiving And Choke On A Turkey Bone For Us" (although, they would spell Thanksgiving correctly) What a beautiful sentiment. When you care enough to send the very best and all that. It really "says" what a person is thinking, doesn't it? Contrary to what you'd prefer though, I will be having a VERY Happy Thanksgiving and since I'm such an accomplished eater, I'm sure I won't be choking on any bones.

I do suggest though, that YOU be careful not to get too drunk and wind up face down in the Figgy Pudding. That would be so embarrassing, wouldn't it? Although, you're drunk so often, I'm sure no one will even notice; they are probably used to it and will just think you're acting normal. Just stay away from the computer, you don't want to peck out any more incoherent e-mails.

In closing, although I am still very sad about my father's death and think of him every day, I must re-iterate the one thought I often have when I think of him not being here anymore:

The only good thing that has come from his passing is that he NO LONGER HAS TO SPEND ANOTHER MOMENT OF HIS LIFE WITH YOU.

And that, my dear shriveled old witch, is something that so many of us will express gratitude for on this beautiful Thanksgiving holiday.

Bon Appetit! 
a Giattino, Deanna Stetson Giattino, Richard Stetson, Gena Stetson, Doreen Tuccillo Leclerc, Janeen Leclerc Lorenzo, Deanna, Giattino, Stetson, Rich Stetson, Doreen Tuccillo, Doreen Leclerc, Daria O'Brien, Daria Tuccillo O'Brien, Whore, Sewer Rat, Black Widow, Evil, Witch, Gena Stetson Stripper, Goshen, New York, Monroe, Goshen


J said...

Good gracious, this is like a scene from my own life. Except my father actually married the witch and she continues to live off his pension (after parking him in a nasty VA nursing home ward for several years while she drove around in a spanking new Mercedes every year and traveled with various boyfriends).

Through much of the crap this woman pulled in our father's life and our lives, my sister and I constantly reminded one another that she'll get hers one day, threefold to what she gave, though we can't be the ones to give it. However, we'd really, really like to watch.

Hope you get to watch, too.

MeHereNow said...

That is THE most BRILLIANT reply to THE most DISGUSTING e-mail I have ever read or heard of!

Good for you and I hope she hasn't put a dampner on things for you.


Geggie said...

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. Please don't choke! I'm sure Eddie knows the Heimlich though.

Anonymous said...

Yikes Salena. Please call me and tell me what precipitated this. It is absolutely fascinating.

Anonymous said...

Your answer is both mean and funny, a very hard trick to do. Great answer to her idiotic email.

Sauntering Soul said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this witch, particularly around the holidays.

But your reply was simply brilliant.

Michelle | Bleeding Espresso said...

Ah wives of fathers who aren't our mothers...aren't we blessed?

I do have to give her credit for the "choke on a turkey bone" line though. That was pretty inventive. You think she had help with the email?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!

Tui Snider said...

She sounds like a good guest for the Springer show, a real class act. Yikes.

Great reply on your part.

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Amy said...

The greatest comeback to an evil email...EVER.

I hope you & Ed had a good Thanksgiving, bones and all, wherever you were.


Anonymous said...

That was awesome and I am so proud of you. Fuck her and her freakin weird family. You should use your incredible writing talents to write a novel. We love you, Happy Thanksgiving.