In an effort to gear up for bathing suit season, I have been in endless conversations with my friend in Nashville and my mother, regarding the quickest way to drop a few pounds and get in shape. I'm nauseated with the thought of "poolside activities" and am getting equally ill listening to myself talk about it how we're going to prepare for it. As for Ed; well, he must just be at the end of his rope having to hear the ass end of all these conversations.
While driving through California the other day, in the Sierra Nevadas, through winding roads which took us past glorious lakes and majestic pine trees, as squirrels scampered across the road without fear, I, without stopping for a breath, let Eddie in on my new plan.
"I think we should start walking. Just thirty minutes a day to start. We'll watch what we eat and fit in a walk everyday, maybe even doing forty-five minutes on some days. You know, my doctor friend says we should do at least forty-five minutes for three days a week and she even does things like yoga and bike riding, which we can't do since we don't have bikes in the truck, but I'm going to go to such an extreme of losing weight that people are going to think I'm sick and have one foot in the grave...I swear, I'm going to get Nicole-Richie-skinny and let me tell you, that when I do get there, I'm just going to eat myself back up to a normal size...I'm going to do such a flip, people will wonder what alien is living in my body...I think I'm just going to be one of those people that everyone hates because they're always talking about how "great" they feel from exercise and what a "natural high" they get and how they have "so much energy" and all that crap; people are going to hate having me around. I'm going to talk about organic foods, eating fruits and vegies, how Splenda is the Devil, etc. I'm not going to put one thing in my mouth that is fattening...I'm going to eat more fruits and vegies, I'm going to become an exercise freak...that's what I'm going to do; get all granola-ish like those people in Oregon and up here, the total California types who eat salad all the time with things in it like tofu and edamame...I'm going to walk everyday, I'm not going to drink full fat lattes, I'm going to only order skim milk lattes, maybe even soy...."
And then in the middle of my tirade, "Look, there's a Starbucks!"
"Where???" I said, as my head snapped around.
He just laughed. "Wow, that was quick."
"Well, I didn't say I was starting today."