Saturday, June 09, 2007

They Called My Name And Clutched The Collar Of My Shirt With Their Evil Cheese Stuffed Fingers

In addition to the countless construction workers out there who pop into convenience stores across the nation to buy their 2 for $2 hot dog lunches, there are also thousands of truck drivers who consume these meat packed skins every day; some of which are stuffed with tasty little bits like jalapenos and cheese.

They roll for hours over heated steel rods, cooked to perfection if you get them at the right time; if not, what you'll see are shriveled tubes of processed pork waste that look like the waterlogged finger of a corpse just dredged up from a remote Appalachian lake.

I am almost forty years old. In those forty years, I have never eaten a hot dog cooked on a roller. Never. But this week, in the wee hours of the morning, after driving for eight hours straight, I fell pray to my hunger and the rolling tube steak. I forked over two dollars to the automaton behind the counter and walked off with my cylindrical sodium packed meal.

Thank God my father isn't alive; after spending the better part of the last sixteen years of his life hawking Sabrett hot dogs, the famous ones, the ones that every New Yorker knows about from the time of birth, he would want to know, how could I? After years of perfecting the secret "water" he cooked his dogs in, while concocting homemade relishes, spreadable hot peppers and his famous three dog hero sandwich, I know the disappointment in his eyes would be more than I could handle.

Going into a convenience store and eating a hot dog, one that has been there for God only knows how long, made me feel like an addict who slipped off the wagon. I was propelled by a force I couldn't control. A voice, if you will. An "eat those dogs or someone will harm your family" kind of voice. And I did it. I caved. It was worse than the feeling one gets when they cheat on their diet. I don't know how it happened. But what I do know, is that it will be another forty years before I eat one of these again.

I just can't handle the guilt.


Anonymous said...

I have often wondered what kind of FREAKS eat those nasty things. I think they leave those things on for weeks at a time. I'm not sure if I can associate myself with you any longer. I didn't know you were one of "those" people.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, that last comment was from Greggie.

Anonymous said...

We have an "Ole's" here in Missoula...and just 10 years ago, you could get 3 hotdogs for a dollar. I loved those things...especially after they'd been on the roller for more than 3 hours.

in the words of my favorite sims person, "mmm yumm."