In This Case, R & R Means Recumbent And Recuperation

WHO: Me

WHAT: Pulled Muscle

WHERE: A hotel room. Chicago, IL

WHY: The exercise Gods are evil and possibly sending me a message? Other than that, I can't really think of a good reason.

WHEN: Approximately 11 pm.

 Let me set the stage for you: Earlier in the evening, I had finished the delicious Baked Mostaciolli, garlic bread, and crisp green salad I had ordered from a local Italian restaurant and delivered to my room (piping hot, to my surprise!). I also had a sliver of Eli's Famous Cheesecake waiting in the fridge.

I spent most of the evening after dinner lounging around in my beautifully appointed hotel room, sipping premium in-room coffee (with French Vanilla creamer), watching a chick flick on TV, and tapping away on my computer. I had complete control of the air conditioning (66 degrees) and complete control of the remote (hence the girlie viewing choice).

Then, I got up. What I thought was me rising in a sloth-like manner (slow and deliberate) must have been lightning fast in actuality, because as soon as I rose out of the chair and twisted my body in the direction of more premium coffee, I pulled a muscle.

I couldn't move. Not even an inch. I gripped the edge of the desk and squeaked out a plea of help to Ed. His ears were encased in noise-canceling headphones as he was working on something on his computer, so he didn't even notice me rise; or standing there like a statue either, apparently.

I cried out to him again and he finally got up to help me. The pain was so severe, you would have thought I took a punch in the rib.

 Ed determined through Dr. Google that I either pulled an abdominal external oblique muscle, had cancer, broke a rib, was riddled with gallstones, or had colonitis; I was rooting for the pulled muscle since it felt as if Charley's Horse was running the Kentucky Derby up the left side of my body.

I was wearing my fuschia velour sweat pants and black spaghetti strap tank top and knew if I got into bed dressed in those pants, I'd be hot and wouldn't be able to move on my own later to get them off and sleep comfortably. I asked Ed to slip my pants down so I could get into bed in just my tank and undies.

At that very moment, I had a sharp stabbing pain and froze in place again as I tightened my grip around Ed's neck and he firmed up his embrace around my waist. I started to panic thinking that we'd have to call an ambulance and I'd be standing there in my underwear not being able to move.

I think I started to sweat at this point. There was no way I was getting on a gurney without makeup, full as a tick and without finishing my cheesecake.

After he layed me on the bed, he ran around getting i-boo (ibuprofen) and bags of ice. He wrapped my ribs with some cloth, which eased the ache, propped me up with a pillow and an ice pack, and checked on me every twenty minutes. Who knew he had such a great bedside manner??

Now I'm wearing one of these. I think I'm the only person I know of who has a pulled an abdominal oblique muscle by doing absolutely nothing.

I don't even have a good story. All I did was eat and stand up. That's why I believe the exercise Gods decided to smote me.

On the upside, the back brace works a bit like a girdle and has narrowed my mid-section by inches.

I may have a broken rib and walk like an infant taking her first steps, but I also have a very waspish waist.