Last year, I became friends on Facebook with a guy named Boyd who found me through my blog. Not only did he read my posts, he actually invited Ed and I to have dinner with him anytime we were in the neighborhood. His treat!
Unfortunately, he lived in an area of upstate New York that we didn't get to very often, which is probably best since if I did step foot in his home, I probably wouldn't have ever left. He's THAT amazing. He and his partner have now moved down South, and I've seen pictures of the house. It's gorgeous, and from the amount of windows, it clearly has a guest room. I'm hoping he also has truck parking, because that would totally rock.
The thing that makes me want him as my BFF are his Facebook status updates (well, since that's all we really have, considering we're just "internet friends"). They're always fantastic. Funny. Clever. And they make me wish I wrote them myself. He makes me laught out loud several times a week. And I just spent a ridiculous amount of time culling his Facebook page for some of his latest updates to share with you.
Read on...
“If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t just one awesome letter.”
“You say never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can’t walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won’t be caught dead in Crocs. It’s actually the reason I judge you.”
“This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.”
“I had a falling out with a co-worker, but we’re cool now. He’s even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak when I go out to lunch. Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas! Thanks Javier!!”
“If I were a cab driver, I’d whisper “I could have kept you…” to passengers before they got out.”
“When I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in their car.”
“Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. “Can you pass the salt? The salt, can you pass it? No. The SALT. GIVE ME THE SALT!!!”
“There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.”
“We should be able to text 911, you know, just in case you’re hiding from a serial killer and can’t talk.”
“When I watch “Footloose” all I can think is, they allow dancing one town over. Just go there.”
“Bring Your Child To Work Day must be awkward for prostitutes.”
“My box of animal crackers says “may contain nuts”. So I’m inspecting each animal before I eat it. Just in case.”
“I read a caption in the paper this morning. It said: “In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, twenty people will have died of hunger.” How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I probably killed forty people.”
“So, the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn’t surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It’s hard to tell.”
And my very favorite…
McDonald’s Minion: “Thank you for choosing McDonald’s, go ahead when you’re ready.”
Boyd: “May I have a half a dozen chicken McNuggets with sweet and sour sauce, please?”
McDonald’s Minion: “I’m sorry, we only serve six, ten, or twenty pieces.”
Boyd: “So you can’t serve me half a dozen chicken nuggets…?”
McDonald’s Minion: “No, sir. We only serve six, ten, or twenty pieces.”
Boyd: “Interesting…”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
1 YEAR AGO: Accentuate The Positive
2 YEARS AGO: How The Train Derails
3 YEARS AGO: Good Thing He Didn’t PAINT This On His Truck
4 YEARS AGO: Red Snap
5 YEARS AGO: Convexly Jackson
6 YEARS AGO: Marriage Criterion
1 comment:
WOW he's one funny guy!!!
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