Saturday, January 19, 2013

Ten Things I Hate About Flying

The 3 oz. Rule
The 3 ounces of anything in the Ziploc bag rule is insanely ridiculous. I actually had to check a bag, paying $25 to do so, in order to have the things I needed for this trip. I can’t fit shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, sunscreen, foundation, lipgloss, toothpaste, lotion, makeup remover, etc. in a one quart bag. WTF are you people thinking?

Food & Drink Service
If the flight is less than two hours, you should get nothing. The plane barely takes off before they’re rolling their elbow crunchers down the aisle to give people who can't even sit comfortably in their seats as it is, a drink in a small flare-mouthed plastic cup. Do you really need something to drink? You were just in the airport, why didn’t you get something there? You’re only flying a few hours, are you telling me you can’t do it without a Diet Coke? C’mon, people.

People Who Insist On Reclining
Are those extra two inches helping you, buddy? I don’t understand why people insist on reclining their seats in an airplane. It’s not a fucking Lazy Boy. You can’t put your feet up. You can’t even get comfortable leaning back. And the person behind you is trapped. In my case, I can barely raise my arms to read a magazine, and I wind up having to stare at someone's scalp for the entire flight. Reconsider reclining, because when you do, you’re a selfish asshole.

Getting Up To Walk Around
Where are you going?? On our trip from Tucson to Miami, the first segment of the flight was an hour and a half, the second segment was three and a half hours. I know I sit for a living since I’m a truck driver, but I did have other jobs before I this one, I have flown before, and although I'm not an expert at sitting, I can stay in my seat for three to six hours. Unless I have to pee, which is a rare occurence for me on an airplane, I’m generally content sitting in my seat until the flight is complete. Why can’t you?

The Pilot Speaking
Every time I drifted off the sleep, the pilot came on loud and suddenly over the PA System to update us on some bullshit; the altitude, the temperature where we were going, how they were going to turn the seatbelt signs on/off/on again, the time we’re expected to arrive, etc.  Look, just fly the fucking plane and stop telling us what’s going on. I don’t care, nor do I understand why being at 23,600 feet or 30,120 feet affects the turbulence or lack of turbulence.  I don't care what kind of cloud cover we’ll be going through on our way over whatever city happens to be below us. You just startled me out of my sleep to tell me something unnecessary, and if you didn't have a steel door up there, I might consider coming up just to smack you in the side of the head.

The No-Smoking Light
I know the light was probably put in when the planes were built in 1893, so the feature automatically gets activated whenever the pilot does his procedural thing, but I think they can stop telling us that smoking isn’t allowed on the aircraft. Smoking hasn’t been allowed on planes starting as far back as 34 years ago when they first banned cigars and pipes, and a full ban has been in effect for the last 15 years on all domestic flights of any duration. If someone hasn’t been on a plane in the last 10-34 years and is so oblivious to the world around them that they think they can still light up a cigarette in an enclosed metal tube, I can assure you there will be no shortage of people lurching forward to snatch the offending item right from their lips. You can stop reminding us that it’s prohibited.  Yes, even in the bathrooms.

Stowing Things Under The Seat
Is the purse on my lap really going to cause a problem should we encounter turbulence? Or worse, a death spiral into the ocean? People can have laptops out, books and kids toys, stacks of magazines, but my purse on my lap is a problem? I hate being told to put it under the seat. I barely have enough room to bend over (in the three inches of space the asshole in front of me has allotted) to grab the handles and try to pull it up between my legs. It’s like trying to pull a fat kid out of an inner tube float – all of a sudden, pop! and he comes flying out.  Same thing with my purse.  And it usually involves my elbows being in the face of whoever is sitting next to me, and me breaking a sweat struggling to pull it free.  And I hate to sweat.

Standing Up The Minute The Plane Stops
If you’re in the back, just face it - you’re not going anywhere for a looong time.  So sit the fuck down.  There's no reason to get up when you're in row thirty-seven and First Class hasn't even emptied  yet.  Why don't you wait until the rows in front of you start clearing before you get up?  Believe me, you'll have plenty of time to grab your overstuffed carry-on from the bin above.  In the meantime, the line isn't moving. Which brings me to another thing I hate.

I hate standing in line at the airport. I don’t board the plane until the very last second. I don’t go when my group or row is called, I go when they’re almost ready to close the doors. Why would I want to get up, stand in line to hand the clerk my boarding pass, to go stand in line on a jetway, to go stand in line again on the airplane while people are finding their seats? I want to swoop on, put my luggage up top or under the hateful seat in front of me, and sit down.

Any age, any number, any children at all. I know it’s not practical to ban kids from planes – although I’d do it in a heartbeat – but can’t you at least sit them all in one section? Put them in the back – row fifty-gazillion and back should be for families - kids always need to go to the bathroom, they’re always disruptive, they always ask a lot of questions, and if they’re not talking incessantly, they’re crying. A flight is bad enough, adding children to it makes it a downright nightmare. Just as I’ve said I’d pay more money to dine in a restaurant or go to a theater that doesn’t allow children, I’d also pay more for an airline ticket if I knew there wouldn’t be a kid sitting behind me, next to me, or within earshot.

I think driving around in my home on wheels has really spoiled me.  I have less tolerance now when flying than I did years ago.  And I had no tolerance years ago.

Flying, in some cases, is a necessary evil, and booking First Class tickets to reduce the hassle is just ridiculously expensive and I just can't justify the cost.  Since I fly so infrequently, I might have to consider Business Class.

They probably offer a slightly better environment than the one available in steerage.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
2012: Teeth Or Another European Vacation? Ooooh, It’s A Real Toss Up.
2011: Not So Wacky After All
2010: Spreading The Word
2009: He Had A Dream. Tomorrow We See It Come True.
2008: Who Do You Know?
2007: South Beach Blue
2006: Jawl Spake Anglesh??
2005: Sorry, no post on this day. The blog didn’t start until May 2005! 


Gil said...

Off to a fine start! Try the train next time if you want fun!!!!

Q-Ball said...

Bravo! You hit the nail on the head on every part of the flying experience... except the make-up part... for me.

I really hate the liquid rule though. Since when did a $5.00 20oz soda get considered safe but the one I bought for $1.49 isn't? Rediculous! They have detectors for everything, including to see your hoo-hoo... why can't they get a liquid explosive detector and call it good? Aggrevating!

Well spoken!

Pat said...

Good post. I guess a future job as a flight attendant isn't planned.

Anonymous said...

I'm disappointed that you could only come up with 10 things to hate about flying. I expect more from you Salena!

Julie said...

Another one to add to your list. The recycled air you're breathing. After just being sick with the flu, I am super conscious of germs now. Think of all the germs floating around in that plane! Ugh! Oh yeah, one more...smelly people. Self-explanatory. Okay, maybe another, people who sit next to you who want to yap during the whole flight. Bad enough, but if they have bad breath...oh my God!!!

ELH said...

Salena, I was laughing my head off...oh, how i do agree..what's wrong with some people..sit down,shut up,close your eyes and relax...

Anonymous said...

I love you!

The Daily Rant said...

GIL: I wish! Marlaina mentioned train travel. I’m definitely doing it one of these days.

DARYL: You’re so right about their soda being more safe then our soda. And I’m not sure I’m too thrilled with them seeing what I’ve got hidden in my hoo-hoo either! LOL

PAT: No worries there. If I wanted to be a waitress, I’ll do it on land thankyouverymuch.

ANON 1: I didn’t want to be a complete bitch about the whole thing, but you’re right. And I think now I might have to post a “10 More Things I Hate About Flying”. LOL

JULIE: I think I may have fallen prey to some of that noxious air – and in addition to the stuffy airplane ear I’m experiencing, my nose is runny and stuff and I generally feel crappy.

ELH: Exactly!

ANON 2: Well, obviously you love me because you’ve agreed with what I wrote. And if you agree with me, then I have no other choice but to love you too!