Monday, August 13, 2007

Giving Indians A Bad Name

Through my posts, I like to communicate what it's like to travel the country as much as I do. As you know, I post a lot of pictures and often write about places I've been (whether they get a good or bad report!). Today I am giving you a 10 step process which, if done properly, will take you to place commonly referred to as "Hell."

1. Go to your kitchen and pre-heat your oven to 475.

2. While waiting for the oven to heat up, get a lamp that uses a 150 watt bulb.

3. Put the lamp on your kitchen counter, close to the oven, plugged in and ready to use.

4. Remove the lampshade.

5. When oven is pre-heated, turn on the lamp and let the bulb heat up.

6. When the bulb is nice and hot, hold the lamp in your right hand and place your left hand on the oven door handle. Don't wear oven mitts; it will ruin the authenticity of the experience.

7. Get as close to the oven door as you can and bring the lamp as close to your face as you can. Look directly into the 150 watt bulb.

8. At the moment you think your eyeballs are going to dry up and burn out of your head, when you can't see anything but hot spots and you think you're going blind, OPEN the oven door.

9. The heat coming from the oven door might throw you back a foot or two (don't drop the lamp!) and your head will snap back instinctively from the rush of hot air. The heat coming out of the oven might singe your facial hair. Don't worry, you can pencil in eyebrows if needed. Or not; Whoopie Goldberg doesn't have any and it hasn't stopped her. You won't be able to close your eyes because the fluid that lubricates your eyeballs has dried up. You panic, thinking you're going to be stuck looking like
Marty Feldman for the rest of your life.

10. Close the oven door. Switch off the lamp. Get yourself a cold beverage. You are done.

You have just experienced what it's like to visit Yuma, Arizona and if you did the experiment as outlined above, you won't ever have to set foot there. If you do, make sure you wear asbestos shoes, as the asphalt will melt your flip flops and leave the soles of your sneakers gummy and soft.

Here you will find the filthy lies the visitor's bureau tells of "pleasant desert sunshine" and "temperate summers."

Don't believe a word of it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

...since I've been to Yuma, and because I agree with your blog, whoever wrote the visitor's bureau lie is probably on crack...MAE