Eddie Hick Runs Deep Friday

Yes, that is a toothpick dangling from my Eddie's kisser. Hick runs deep; you can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the boy.

Umbrella-ella-ella-ella

Seaport Village. San Diego, California.

It's Not So Much Fun To Roll Out Your Best Sales Schpiel On A Mute

Eddie and I have been talking about buying a motorhome. We've looked at several in the last month and so far, we like this one, this one and this one.

These homes on wheels are amazingly gorgeous with all the bells and whistles. At one dealership, we spent at least four hours with the salesman, looking at several models and getting the scoop on all of them. The downside? Spending four hours with a salesman. Unfortunately, when you drive into a dealership, they descend upon you like vultures. Sometimes we're unable to outrun them since they often drive golf carts, causing us to be stuck with a shadow while we browse.

Today we passed a local RV Show, set up at a fairground. Ed commented that we should just comb the country for shows so we can wander around as we please and not have to even talk to a salesman.

He thought maybe if we pretended we didn't speak English, we could get out of having a salesman on our tail. He said, "Maybe we can pretend to be Russian or Romanian or something. You know, a language that's not common so we won't be forced to talk to them."

"Well, that's an idea." I said.

"Or you could just nod and smile, like people who don't understand the language often do. Whadya think? We'll just pretend we're not from around here." He was getting all excited about his plan. "So, what kind of accent do you think I should have?"

I said, "Why don't you just pretend you're mute and I'll do all the talking?"

I don't think he was too keen on that idea; he gave me mal occhio.

The Kind Of Contraction That Produces A Laugh, Not A Baby

Last week I was talking to my nephew Jake, the four year old. He was doing something I thought he shouldn't be - like pulling the cat's tail - so I said something to the effect of, "Jake. Don't pull on the cat's tail!"

He said, "I amn't"

"You're what?" I replied.

"I AMN'T!" he said louder.

"OK, fine." I muttered. "Just knock off whatever it was you were doing."

I laughed to myself as I walked away, thinking he was quite clever to come up with his own word. We're just so used to hearing the same old, same old, aren't we?

do not = don't
will not = won't
can not = can't
Is not = isn't
are not = aren't

I think there's a new word on the block people, and his name is amn't.

I am not = I amn't

Free! Gratuito! Gratis! Ummm....No Charge!

Presenting two beautiful passport covers.....for your traveling pleasure. They are leather (so they say) but don't necessarily feel like buttah. Just leather-ISH. One is black, of course, and the other is a limey green. If you don't need it for yourself, perhaps they'll make a good gift. They are brand new and have never been used; I just found other ones that I liked better and decided to get those instead.

And I am giving them away FREE. But here's the catch:

I am looking for some Christmas gift ideas for Eddie. I know you don't know a whole lot about him, which is just fine, but I'd like to hear about what some of you get your significant others as gifts (so I can steal your ideas), or just tell me about stuff you think might be cool. The idea I like the best will "win" these passport covers (which I will mail to you free of charge - unless you live in another country and the shipping is going to be crazy high - if so, we'll tawk.)

So - e-mail your ideas to me at: TheDailyRanter@aol.com and put "Passport Contest" in the subject line. You have until December 5, 2007 to submit your ideas. I will choose my favorite, let you all know who it was and then mail the passports out that weekend. Once I choose the winner, I will e-mail them to get mailing info.

I think this is going to be the first of my giveaway series. I will most likely be doing this again, giving stuff away, so keep your eyes peeled!

Good Luck!

Here's Looking At You

Eddie took this picture of his shades, reflecting an overhead tiffany style lamp in the lenses. I like that it sort of looks a pair of very interesting eyes.

Elphaba's Long Lost Sister?

Eddie created this in PhotoShop. I'm not sure I like the green skin, but I'm thinkin' I really like the green eye.

Eddie Full Of Turkey Friday

Relaxing on Turkey Day.

True Blue

Tucson, Arizona.

Have A Happy Thanksgiving And Choke On A Turkey Bone For Us

Yesterday, I got a lovely email just in time for the holidays!

The email wasn't signe, but came from deannag@frontiernet.net which is the email address that belongs to Deanna Stetson Giattino (a.k.a. Deanna Giattino), the sewer rat my father used to live with before he died.

Here is that email, formatted just as it came in:

Subject: the witch of the west

Dear? saleena
I pray for you, you are a very sad jealous, demented thing, you need help not only to loose weight, but to be able to go on with your devicious scheming plan . I don't know what you want to accomplish, I hope your effort were not wasted, and that ED gets this email before you do so that he can drop you before he realizes that you used him the way you used your father and everyone else. You are a lazy sick ,parasite, whom I hope will self distruct doing us all a favor HAVE A HAPPY THANKGIVING and choke on a turkey bone for us

Here is my response:

Interesting that you should write something to me that so closely mirrors you and your life. But since you have, let's go through this line by line; as painful as that will be since it seems you have no command of the English language, spelling, or grammar. Below, I will deconstruct the e-mail I received. Your words are in bold, my responses will be just beneath them in red, so you won't get confused.

Let's begin...

Dear? saleena
First of all, my name is spelled S-A-L-E-N-A and using "Dear" is even too fake for you.

I pray for you,
You pray? Shocking. But you'd really be better off praying for yourself since you're going to need all the help you can get. Don't waste your prayers on me, I already have an angel in heaven.

you are a very sad jealous, demented thing
Jealous of what? Your spelling prowess? Your imagined superiority in life? Your pristine morals? Your home, decorated to look like a cheap, Vegas hotel room with all that trashy animal print? Your frizzy hair? Your non-existent real estate career? Your loser children? Your stripper daughter? Your luck with men? Your reputation in Goshen?

Remind me again what exactly I'm supposed to be jealous of?

you need help not only to loose weight, but to be able to go on with your devicious scheming plan.
By the way, it's "lose" not "loose."

So, should I get help losing weight so I can be thin and get a job stripping at the Olympic Garden in Las Vegas, like your skanky daughter Gena? (What does she call herself on stage these days? Is it her given name of Gena Stetson or Stetson Gena? It's one of those monikers, isn't it?) Clever stripper name. You must be so proud.

Oh, or maybe I should be thinner so I can snag a quality husband like your son Richard Stetson was - but then I'd have to worry if he was still doing drugs, or if we'd have a car to drive since he seems to wreck every one he gets behind the wheel of.

Or maybe, oh I don't know, I should be thin like your sister Doreen Tuccillo Leclerc (oh wait, she's not thin anymore, is she?) so I can lure someone else's husband (you know the guy I'm talking about) to have sex with me? Then, as a bonus, they might be able to help me with my "devicious" plan. And I assume by "devicious" you meant "devious".

Or maybe I should just take up drinking to replace all the food in my diet? Lord knows it works well for you and your relatives.

I don't know what you want to accomplish, I hope your effort were not wasted, and that ED gets this email before you do so that he can drop you before he realizes that you used him the way you used your father and everyone else.
You really shouldn't worry about Ed dropping me, he knows how to love someone unconditionally, which is probably a foreign concept for you. Too bad you won't ever know what it feels like to be loved like that.

Now, what's this about me using my father and everyone else? How exactly do you see that I used my father? I actually think YOU are the one who did that best. Should I refresh your memory on all the ways you manipulated my father and how you took advantage of his good nature?

Didn't my father help your son Richard get a car loan?  I believe Richard repeatedly missed payments on that loan, which isn't surprising. 

And didn't my father pay to have your back porch built?

And didn't my father give you over $800 every month for your bills?

And didn't my father pay for your vacations?

And didn't my father cook lavish dinners for you and your ungrateful family when he should have been with his own?

And didn't my father give you $25,000 toward the purchase of condo you wound up selling for a profit? (The one where you kept his share of the money too.  Remember that?)

You seem to forget that I have access to ALL of his credit card bills, ALL of his bank statements, and ALL of his notes. It seems most of my father's money went to you and your needs. Oh, and of course to your son, who has to live at home because he's not a "user" either, is he? He must get that trait from you.

You should really look at the log in your eye before pointing out the speck in another's. But I guess if you're praying, you would know that scripture, wouldn't you?

You are a lazy sick ,parasite, whom I hope will self distruct doing us all a favor
Lazy? Hmm....I don't believe I'm the one who has not worked for over twenty years while living off of my dead husbands' money (the two before my father). I DO have a job you know, and I've had a job since I'm thirteen years old. I have worked all of my life, much as I do now. But, come to think of it, do you work? I haven't known you to sell a house in twenty years.

I've seen you heading off to play tennis, or getting your frizz managed at the hair salon, but I've never actually known you to work. Unless you consider home-wrecking a job. You've done that well. And that pathetic little job you currently have in Goshen? I guess you need to work now because you don't have someone paying your bills anymore or giving you money every month. You let that gravy train die, remember?

As for a parasite, I don't think I could have come up with a better word. To describe you, that is. It's so accurate! Bravo. I always have a plethora of choice words reserved just for you, but parasite is a new one. I like it. Thanks. I'll make sure to add it to my list.

Of course, my opinion of you is just that, my opinion, but I would bet my last dollar (from that little thing I have called a job) that I'd be able to put together a VERY long list of others who think the same exact way about you as I do. It wouldn't be hard to find them, as people who hate you are everywhere. The Tuccillo, Stetson, and Giattino names don't have such a stellar reputation, you know.

And don't worry your frizzy little head about me self-destructing anytime soon either; I have a great family, great boyfriend, great friends, loads of talent, humor, a big heart and oh, let's not forget....all of that fat to keep me alive and sustain me through the harsh winters. I should be able to get by mighty fine on that.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKGIVING and choke on a turkey bone for us
This is the best closing of any letter I've ever seen. I actually think Hallmark should use this for a holiday card: "Have a Happy Thanksgiving And Choke On A Turkey Bone For Us" (although, they would spell Thanksgiving correctly) What a beautiful sentiment. When you care enough to send the very best and all that. It really "says" what a person is thinking, doesn't it? Contrary to what you'd prefer though, I will be having a VERY Happy Thanksgiving and since I'm such an accomplished eater, I'm sure I won't be choking on any bones.

I do suggest though, that YOU be careful not to get too drunk and wind up face down in the Figgy Pudding. That would be so embarrassing, wouldn't it? Although, you're drunk so often, I'm sure no one will even notice; they are probably used to it and will just think you're acting normal. Just stay away from the computer, you don't want to peck out any more incoherent e-mails.

In closing, although I am still very sad about my father's death and think of him every day, I must re-iterate the one thought I often have when I think of him not being here anymore:

The only good thing that has come from his passing is that he NO LONGER HAS TO SPEND ANOTHER MOMENT OF HIS LIFE WITH YOU.

And that, my dear shriveled old witch, is something that so many of us will express gratitude for on this beautiful Thanksgiving holiday.

Bon Appetit! a Giattino, Deanna Stetson Giattino, Richard Stetson, Gena Stetson, Doreen Tuccillo Leclerc, Janeen Leclerc Lorenzo, Deanna, Giattino, Stetson, Rich Stetson, Doreen Tuccillo, Doreen Leclerc, Daria O'Brien, Daria Tuccillo O'Brien, Whore, Sewer Rat, Black Widow, Evil, Witch, Gena Stetson Stripper, Goshen, New York, Monroe, Goshen

The Lady And Sons

Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah, Georgia

At Least He's Up Front About It

I just heard the following Mac Davis song on the radio:

Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me

Girl, you're gettin' that look in your eyes
And it's startin' to worry me
I ain't ready for no family ties
Nobody's gonna hurry me
Just keep it friendly, girl, 'cause I don't wanna leave
Don't start clingin' to me, girl, 'cause I can't breathe

CHORUS
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me
'cause I'll just use you then I'll set you free
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me

Girl, you're a hot-blooded woman-child
And it's warm where you're touchin' me
But I can tell by your tremblin' smile
You're seein' way too much in me
Girl, don't let your life get tangled up with mine
'cause I'll just leave you, I can't take no clingin' vine


How many dates do you think 'ol Mac got once girls heard the lyrics? I mean, I can understand not being ready to have a family and all, but telling the chick you're going to use her and then set her free? Hmmm.

If only girls today knew this beforehand; what an incredible timesaver that would be.

The One That Got Away

Doesn't look like he had much luck today.

Randomly Weird

I've been tagged by one of my readers, Geggie, to participate in this meme. I love doing these things, but this one has rules; I have to tag seven other people. ACK!

Here are the rules for the meme:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

Here are my seven randomly weird facts:

1. When eating pizza, on my first slice (regardless of how many follow) I use a fork to eat all the cheese and toppings, leaving just the crust. Then I eat the crust. I always do it this way. I never deviate. First slice only, eat cheese and toppings, then eat crust.

2. I never go to bed without taking off my makeup. Ever. I don't care how late it is or where I am, I will never sleep a full night with makeup on.

3. I've always wanted to be a make-up artist. It's my dream job. I have been playing with make-up and doing makeovers for as long as I can remember. My first memory of sitting at a vanity table was when I was four years old, in my Aunt Joya's dressing area. She had a stool with a pink vinyl cushion and curly Q legs on it.

4. I hate a tucked in bed. No matter where I am, home or hotel, I absolutely MUST untuck the sheets all the way around so the top bedding is loose. Of course, if Ed is with me, I will just untuck my side, but I cannot stand to slide into a tight bed where I can't move my legs or feet. Even if the rest of me is covered, I have to have my feet out. Otherwise, I can't sleep.

5. I typically don't stress about anything. I'm never "in bed" for days, I never lose sleep, I don't worry about paying bills, I don't care about losing my job, I never worry about not having friends, I don't fret over what will happen when I get old.... I think you get the point. Everything always seems to work out.

6. I LOVE movie previews. I would even consider paying the full movie price to sit through 90 minutes of previews instead of a movie. I never arrive late to the move theatre for fear of missing the previews. I make sure I'm there in plenty of time to get my Diet Coke, Twizzlers and seat in the middle of the back row to settle in well before the previews start. Yay!

7. I like my food HOT. Soup has to burn the roof of my mouth; if I'm in a restaurant and it's not hot enough, I'll send it back. Water for tea or things like hot cocoa or cappuccino mixes, must be BOILING. My friend Vicki has one of those hot water spigots on her sink that dispense super-hot water, but it's still not hot enough for me; I put it in a pot and boil it till I see bubbles! Food has to be hot also. If it's not steaming, I don't enjoy it. Fresh out of the pan, oven, pot....HOT food.

So there are my seven random facts. I don't really do the tagging thing, but if any of you would like to play along, you can post your seven facts in comments or just do it on your own blog. I would love to read them!

Eddie Goes Running Friday

Eddie modeling the fleece headband he wears when he goes running.

I guess it keeps his forehead warm.

Picture Perfect Pilot

This picture was taken at a Pilot Travel Center on the fuel island.

Seems like someone is really doing their job well.


* I realized when I was doing some editing that I used this very same picture last year. Sorry for the repeat!

86 Going On 8

Happy Birthday, Franchi!

Priorities

My step-father is in the hospital, having a procedure. It's not life threatening, but he'll be eighty-six tomorrow, so it's just a bit of a bummer for him to have to wake up in a hospital on his birthday.

My mother called me around eight o'clock. She said she was tired, since she had been up since six this morning, hungry and bored. She also sounded cranky. My step-father has been in surgery for almost five hours now, and she's irritated. She can't get a cell phone signal in the hospital, she has to walk a mile of corridors to get outside where she can use the phone and when she finally gets there, she realizes she forgot her coat, so she's freezing while standing there talking to me.

No wonder she's cranky. We chatted a while and she told me she'd call with an update later tonight. I told her to call my brother to ask him to come hang out with her, but she strongly objected, not wanting to bother him. She said, "And don't you call him either."

"OK, OK. I won't." I said.

We hang up and I immediatly dialed my brother.

He was reading bedtime stories to the boys but said as soon as he's done, he'd go over to the hospital. I thanked him and reminded him to bring her a sweatshirt or something since she was cold.

"Oh, and maybe stop by the house and get her book, so she's not bored sitting there." I said. "And some sunflower seeds too, she likes to munch on those while she's reading."

"Yeah, okay. Any other shopping you want me to do before I go over there?" And I thought I was the Ruler In The World Of Sarcasm.

After showing up, keeping her company and waiting for my step-dad to get out of surgery, he followed her home to make sure she got there okay and then called me with an update. Seems he had to look at the floor the entire time the surgeon was explaining what he did, because he was a dead ringer for Eddie Murphy in Coming To America and my brother just couldn't concentrate.

Once that ordeal was over with, both he and my mother went to visit my step-father in his room. When they got there, my mother noticed that Dancing With The Stars was on TV and blurted out, "Oh, shit! I missed Dancing With The Stars!"

My brother looked at her, shook his head and said "Oh, real nice, Ma."

Ladies Night (And Day) Out

We never EVER get bugs in our truck; which overall, is a good thing. I mean, yeah, we get the occassional wayward fly but a rolled up newspaper usually takes care of that pretty quickly.

This week though, we've had ladybugs. Everywhere. I found three alone IN the truck. The rest were crawling on the windshield, my side mirror, our exterior visors.

So I made little ladybug sounds to get this one to crawl on over to me and I snapped her picture. I think it was a her. Are they all female? I mean, there aren't any manbugs? Just ladybugs? Hmm.

Who Thought Putting These Two Words Together Was A Good Idea?

Saucy. Tampon.

See what I'm talking about here.

Sharing In The Deliciousness Of Women

Every month, I read Oprah magazine and every month, I look forward to Suze Orman's financial advice column.

This month as I was reading her column, I turned the page towards Eddie, gesturing at Suze's photo, which showed her smiling widely as usual and said, "I read....or heard somewhere, that Suze Orman was a lesbian."

He cracked a smile and responded, "Maybe that's why she's so happy."

Eddie In The Half Moon Hall Friday

Hangin' in a hallway in Half Moon Bay .

Red Snap

I love the way a red grape snaps in your mouth when you eat it. It personifies fresh.

How Many Times Do You Have To Burn Your Hand Before You Stop Touching The Hot Stove?

I'm SO very tired of hearing the sob stories from people who chose the wrong path in life. People who wind up in dead end jobs, women who consistently date the wrong guy, morons who commit ridiculous acts like this and specifically, people who wind up in jail and think they are owed some sort of special treatment.

If you hate your job or don't like making minimum wage, do something about it. Go to school, learn a trade or perfect a skill. If you want to be chosen for a job, don't show up in a backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans to fill out the application; the person you hand that application to might be the one making the decision on whether or not to employ you. If you are going on a job interview, dress like you're going on a job interview. Take a shower. Comb your hair. Wear a skirt. LOOK like you want a job. LOOK like you take pride in your appearance. LOOK like you are going to add something to the company rather than being their next problem.

If every guy you date turns out to be a loser, maybe it's time to take a look at the choices you make in that department. Are you always attracted to the same type? Do you never date outside of that type? I have a friend that complains that she can't find a nice guy, yet she won't consider a second date with a guy because he wore a flowered Hawaiian shirt on the first. You're going to judge a guy based on his shirt?? How do you know he's not the one who is going to treat you like you deserve? You never even gave him a chance. She's a good catch. She's smart and funny and attractive and responsible. She deserves a great guy. But she's just picky. Well, maybe if you stop being so picky and give someone a chance to really show you who they are, you'd find a nice guy. It's just a thought.

That mother that left the kid to die in her car? She should not only be jailed, but she should be sterilized and never allowed to have another child in her life. WHO forgets their kid in the car? WHO??? I don't understand how people like this are allowed to even have children. My friend Greg used to say that people have to take a test to get a driver's license, but any moron can have a kid. How true. I can't even express how I feel about people who don't treat their children well. People who have no business having children at all. People who should have had their children taken away from them YEARS ago. It's not a matter of "opinion" and who's right and who's wrong. If there is ANY person who thinks it's okay to leave a child in a hot car for SEVEN hours while you work your shift at Hooter's, they need to have their head examined. There are NO good reasons or excuses for this. You should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and pay for your negligence.

And speaking of paying for your crimes; what's up with those people who think that inmates should have rights? People in jail deserve what they get. Whether it's bad food, limited access to television, no free time, no cigarettes or cable or access to college educations. You are IN JAIL. That's what being IN JAIL means. If you were so concerned about your freedoms, perhaps you should have considered not doing whatever it was that got you INTO jail in the first place. You don't have choices. You can't demand cable. You can't complain that the food you eat isn't as good as what you get at home. You cannot get an education.

These are the things you GAVE UP when you chose to commit the crime that put you IN JAIL in the first place. This chaps my ass more than almost anything (well, except for child molesters) and gets me in such a tizzy that if I had the power to put everyone on a chain gang and feed them all bologna sandwiches, I would.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose there is are some people who have been wrongfully incarcerated, and oh well, sorry for you, but I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about people who COMMIT CRIMES; who knowingly and willingly commit crimes and then expect to have cushy surroundings when they get to jail. It's JAIL. See, that's supposed to be a deterrent. I'm not in jail. I know what is right and wrong, legal and illegal. And I don't do the illegal stuff because I don't want to be IN JAIL. It's that simple.

If you are IN JAIL, you should have NO RIGHTS. NONE. You are incarcerated. CONFINED. Not allowed to have and do and be certain things. No, you shouldn't have the right to a free education when people out in the world who haven't committed crimes don't have that same right. You shouldn't get to watch TV and work out and go to the library and enjoy social hour in the courtyard. You are IN JAIL. You should be used for free labor. You should be put to work for the good of the society.

If you continue to do the same thing, over and over again, don't expect any type of sympathy from me. You'd have to be crazy to think you'll get it.

I See Sea Scallops

Out to dinner in Half Moon Bay, California. Dinner consisted of Pan Seared Sea Scallops, Rice and Vegetables sauteed in fragrant, chunky garlic. SOOO yum!

Green Acres Is The Place To Be, Solar Living Is The Life For Me

Ed and I recently visited the Solar Living Institute in Hopland, California. Dedicated to environmental education, they teach you how you can help the environment by reducing waste in every area of your life.

They teach living "green" in their seminars on straw bale home construction, making bio-diesel, using energy efficient lighting, water purification systems, installing solar panels on your home, using composting toilets, etc.

Ed is very interested in all aspects of this kind of living and with some things, I'm right there with him, but I definitely draw the line at these.

Ahhhh....Ahhhhh.....Aw Shit!

While driving California Route 1, up the California coast this weekend, we stopped to take pictures of the ocean and beautiful coastal scenery.

I let Ed loose with my camera and this is what he captured - a surfer, just seconds before he wiped out.

Belated Greetings From The Great Pumpkin Pile

This was supposed to be my Halloween post, but I forgot! Asheville, North Carolina.

Big Teeth And Dancing Just Don't Mix

My mother has a love/hate relationship with reality TV, but she is getting the hang of watching it as she is now hooked on Dancing With The Stars.

This week, as she was watching, she had me on the other end of the phone, telling me how annoyed she is that Marie Osmond was still safe.

“Why, don’t you like her?

“I’ve never liked her; or the Osmond Family, for that matter.”

“Really?” I said, as she continued heaping verbal praise on those she does like (Helio and Juilliane) and wishing broken ankles on those she doesn’t (Marie Osmond and Jane Seymour).

“God no. I’ve always hated the Osmonds. They just have too many teeth.”

“Too many teeth??”

“Yeah, like beavers. They have huge, bucky beaver teeth.”

I wonder what she'd have to say if she saw those plastic surgery pictures?

Where Defacing Rocks Are A Work Of Art

These rocks can be found along the thirty mile approach road to Fort Irwin, located about an hour north of Barstow, California in the Mojave Desert. Quite in the middle of nowhere. 

It's no wonder they're known for their excellent desert training - the only thing they have in abundance out there is wide open space and sand.

Here is a close of up the rock pile. The paintings depict unit insignias and slogans from all over the country and out here in the desert, it's the most colorful thing you will see.