Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Might Have To Be Put In Restraints For Our Next Conversation

Ed and I have a communication problem.

Which, really is no surprise considering one of us is male.

And, uh, it's not me.

Every time I ask Ed a question, I get a story. I guess it has something to do with the Texas c'mon-over-and-have-a-swait-tea-while-we-set-on-the-porch-and-catch-up mentality.

Look, I don't have the patience for that. I don't want to sit on your effing porch, catch up, shoot the breeze or find out how yer mama is. I just want the answer to my question. But I never get that. What I get is this:

ME: "Is that sign yellow?"

ED: "It's a triangle directional sign that's predominately yellow, with black lettering and it says Caution, bridge may ice over in winter."

Did you hear me ask what the sign said??? I asked you if it was yellow. Hence, the correct answer would have been "YES".

And I also get this:

ME: "Did your Dad ever play baseball with you as a kid?"

ED: "Well, when my father was little, he used to live on a farm in Oklahoma. Out there, they had these open fields, with lots of hay and stuff in them, and often when he'd get out of school, him and his friends would have to work the fields with the rest of their family, especially during the harvest season. When they didn't do that, they would go down to the local hamburger place and hang out comparing cars and talking to girls. I think in middle school he wanted to play football, but they didn't have enough guys in his class who were interested in starting a team. You know, now that I think about it, there weren't that many guys in my high school class to make up a football team either, but then again, my school was primarily focused on academics, not sports, so I can understand why that would happen. But whenever we had the chance, my Dad and I would toss around the football a little bit in our backyard, but our yard was small, so we didn't do that very often..."

Oh. My. Sweet. Mother. Of Jesus. My ears are bleeding at this point and I'm working myself into a mental frenzy because the neurotransmitters in my brain are about to explode into some kind of neuro-electrical-circuitry type fire. It takes all I have to not strangle the answer out of him just so my brain can relax. So, what should his answer have been? Well, "YES" would have been the appropriate response, and if he hadn't launched into a long-winded fable, he would have gotten there sooner than he eventually did.

And I wouldn't have needed an MRI.

When I ask him why he just can't just answer the question, he says he wants to give me all the necessary information. Well, that's nice and all, but I'm not a moron; if I needed the extra information, I would have asked. What I really want is just the answer to the QUESTION I ASKED.

It's one thing if
we're having a mutual conversation, going back and forth, sharing thoughts and ideas; then it might be an acceptable for him to expound, but when I ask a direct question, I usually want a direct answer. Not any extra fluff.

From now on, I will have to conduct my question and answer sessions with Ed like I'm in a court of law. I imagine it to go something like this...

ME: "Please state your name for the court."

"Mr. Eddie Pisghetti"

"Mr. Pisghetti, I will need you to answer the following questions in the form of a YES or a NO. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"OK, great. Mr. Pisghetti, do you have the ability to answer a yes or no question?"

"Well, it depends on what the question is, I mean, sometimes a question has certain parts to it that..."

"Mr. Pisghetti..."

"need more explanation than I'm given and if I..."

"Mr. Pisghetti!"

"have that information, then I can give the person asking the..."

"Mr. Pisghetti! Please answer the question wtih a YES or NO. Thank you."

"question a more precise answer. I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Are. You. Able. To. Answer. A. Yes. Or. No. Question??"

"Well....I guess..."

And then, the trucker sitting in the booth next to us at the Wendy's, who was unknowingly appointed as the court Bailiff, will have to be summoned to remove me because I'll be foaming at the mouth and my eyes will be bleeding and I'm sure there will some convulsing involved.

Maybe I should just send him a note like I used to do with the boys I liked in 5th grade:

Do you like me? Yes or No. Circle One.


Anonymous said...

I think he gets that from his dad. I have to prefix a question with.."this is a yes or no question" if that's what I want..
ed's mom

Anonymous said...

,,,too funny, cause I've got one like him...and most times he pretends he doesn't hear me...enjoy...they ARE from Mars,lol...MAE

Michelle | Bleeding Espresso said...

I love Ed's Mom's comment!

Before you got the court part, I was thinking to myself that he'd make a *horrible* witness!

I, on the other hand, have been accused of leaving out vital information. Well if I ain't asked it, I don't offer it. Sorry but I'm a lawyer by training ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh my YES! Chris does this all the time, I stopped asking him questions because I get a long boring story each time and I just want to shake him and smack him in the face. It's a man thing. Then when you want a discussion you get a yeah..or no. Go Figure!!

- Cousin Mish

Anonymous said...

Hey girl...I love your blog! My former father-in-law Terry was a long haul truck driver from Texas, and I used to crack up at how he could expand any question into a 20 minute monologue. I asked him once if it was warm outside, he took a deep breath, and started with this...."No hotter than the day I was driving out West Texas, just hotter than all get out, and I pulled my big rig into the parking lot of this little ole coffee shop I used to take a break out, food wasn't bad and the bathrooms were clean, and I walked in and this big haired old gal named Norene, been workin there for years, said, "Well hey there Terry, it's been a long time. Ya want a cup of coffee?" and I said..."Well hey there Norene, don't mind if I do....". And that was just the opening sentence. I went to law school after he died, so I didn't know about the YES or NO trick back then. Happy Travels.

Anonymous said...

Salena, that was just too funny... Damn near wet my pants laughing so hard! Torill