Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Jane's Anatomy

My friend Janey texted me the other day asking if I had called her at two that morning.

No. Why? I texted back.

Well, the call came in as 'restricted' and I know that happens when you're in a weird area. I thought it might be you.

Nope, not me. I responded. I was deep in the land of slumber at that time. Two in the morning your time would be four where I am.

Then, I got a frantic text with too many exclamation points that said, OMG!!!!! We've been had by Brian's
friend!!!!! Brian is her son. I thought she was trying to tell me that her son's friend prank called them at two in the morning but at the same time was thinking, He's nine. What is he doing up at two in the morning?? I was confused.

She couldn't text it all to me, so called to tell the rest of the story; a story that I must say, took me utterly by surprise and rendered me speechless. Speechless. Did you get that? In all the years I've been friends with her, I have never been at a loss for words. After hearing what she had to say, all that came out of my mouth was nervous laughter, a breath of disbelief and then a slow, guttural "noooooooooooooooooooooo."

Here's the scoop:

My friend's birthday was coming up and her husband decided to throw her a surprise party, which took place that weekend. She had an amazing time with the friends she didn't expect to see (I couldn't go since I wasn't in the area), the food was great (she didn't have to prepare it) and the fun, conversation and wine were abundant (flowing freely from what I understand). When they got home, she tucked her kids into bed, which on this night happened to include a friend of her son's who was there for a sleepover. It was around nine o'clock.

She and her husband went to bed, talked about the evening and watched some TV. After lounging in bed for a while, her husband decided to get a little randy. Janey, not one to ever refuse a romp in the hay, reciprocated with full-on enthusiasm. After things wrapped up, her husband decided to take his post-coital walk to the kitchen for his usual beverage; milk, juice, soda...whatever was handy to quench his macho thirst. He worked hard after all, and needed some hydration.

The only difference this time, and probably the ONLY time in the twenty years they've been together, was that she decided to go with him. A little parched from the evening's festivities (at and after the party) a little whistle wetting sounded good. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best choice she could have made.

They bounced down the hallway, past the kid's rooms and into the kitchen; Jane in the buff and her husband with his manhood swinging in the wind. They were laughing and cutting up, checking out the contents of the fridge and swatting each other on the ass in the process.

Then she turned and froze in her tracks. Noticing the absence of giddiness, her husband turned to see where the mirth had gone. And when he did, he also turned to stone. They both didn't move. Couldn't move. Didn't utter a word. They just looked. Eyes wide with horror.

There on the couch in the sitting room off the kitchen, was her son's little friend.

Was he sleeping?? They couldn't tell. Within seconds, Janey FLEW down the hall to her bedroom to throw on some clothes. Her husband wasn't far behind, donning a dish towel to cover his man bits, passing her in the hallway as she raced back to the little love seat the young boy lay sleeping on. He appeared to be asleep, but when she roused him a bit and asked him what he was doing on the couch, he mumbled something about hearing a noise in the room, not being able to sleep and coming out the the couch to get some rest.

This is where the trauma began. Did he see anything?? Was he awake as they came down the hall? They couldn't remember their exact actions or how long they'd been in the kitchen, but one thing was for sure; they were naked the entire time.

She called me freaking out. What do I do? Should I talk to him? Do I tell the mom? Do I let it go? Do I ask if he saw anything? This is role reversal in its highest form. Usually I'm the one calling her asking what to do. She's always been my go to girl. I don't think a thing has happened in my life in the last twenty years that she doesn't know about and weighed in on. I can't tell you how many situations have been discussed and how many problems have been solved sitting right there at her kitchen table. And now she was calling me to ask what to do. Obviously, her thinking had been impaired.

I had to stop laughing before I said anything, trying to give advice which really wasn't very helpful anyway, since my first thought was, what the hell are you doing walking around your house naked when people are sleeping over???? Which is exactly what I told her.

She hissed, "You. Are not helping."

"No shit." I said.

The thing I do know, the very thing I would assert in the highest court in the land and maybe even give a pinky to prove how much I believe it, is that Janey is hands down, the best mother I know. She is responsible, trustworthy, generous, loving, fun, reliable and liked. She volunteers at her children's school and is loved by the principal and teachers alike. She teaches vacation bible school for her church. She accomodates other parents by giving her time to cart their children to an event of pick them up after school if they are unavailable to do so. She is highly respected by her peers. And the best testament of all to her mothering is the behavoir of her children. They are polite, respectful, charming and pure. They know when to say "yes, Ma'am" and "No, Sir", they know when to say "please" and "thank you", they know to excuse themselves when they would like to enter a conversation and they know to ask to be excused from the dinner table when they are done eating. They are extrememly well behaved, with just the right mix of being a child and having fun, yet listening when spoken to. They directly reflect her exemplary parenting skills.

So her distress over this situation was very real. And her concern for her son's young friend was equally substantial. She would never, ever, ever do anything to intentionally put someone in harm's way or put them in an uncomfortable situation. She always takes the high road and always does the right thing.

BUT...she also has me as a friend. And although I knew she was distressed, I couldn't let the opportunity pass to bust her chops. After much discussion, role playing several scenarios, fielding numerous interruptions by her husband calling to ask "What are you going to do?" we came to no conclusion. When the kids got up, they seemed fine. Her son's friend was not acting odd or looking at her funny. We thought perhaps she should just wait and see what happened. Why open Pandora's Box by probing? We can't be sure what he saw, if anything.

I told her I didn't think she had anything to worry about. Until she called me back. The boy? The one we were all worried was traumatized by seeing a naked forty-something woman and her equally naked husband?

He asked his Mom if he could sleep over again the next night. For that situation, I had advice:

Buy Pajamas.

No comments: