Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Big Gay Case Of Mistaken Identity

This past Sunday, my friend Vicki was approached by a church member, who touched her arm and in a tone as serious as a heart attack, said, "Miss Vicki? I have to ask you sumthin'..."

"Sure, Miss Patty, what is it?" In the South, everyone is addressed as Miss This and Mr. That.

(The following to be read with a sloooow suthun' accent...)

"Wayell," she said in the hushed voice of one spilling secrets, "Was that yaw huzzband I saw in migh water aerobics clayess at the Y yestahday mawnin?"

Vicki spun her head around to make sure that Miss Patty wasn't talking to anyone else, looked back at her, looked over at her husband and said, "MY husband???"

"Yayes, your husband." said Miss Patty.

"My husband? That man standing right over there?" Vicki asked again, pointing at her husband.

"Yayes. He was riiite thayer in the pool with awl the other ladies. I could swayer it was him. If not, it was someone who looked a right bit like him."

Vicki was stunned. Either Anthony was sneaking in visits to the Y without her knowledge or there was another bald man with a thick Bronx accent running around town.

She said, "Miss Patty, I can assure you that my husband was nowhere near the Y on any morning."

"Well, if he does want to join us, let him know that he's maw than welcome any day." Miss Patty said on her way out the church door.

"Thanks. I'll be sure to let him know." Vicki said as she waved goodbye.

Moments later she was dialing my number. She didn't even say hello before she launched into the story, hysterical with laughter, explaining that she couldn't wait to call me to let me know that not only was her big gay husband watching Lifetime, but apparently, he was also doing water aerobics behind her back!

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