Monday, June 23, 2008

Don't Give Up Hope If You Just Don't Know What You Want To Be When You Grow Up. You Have Choices.

The middle of nowhere takes on new meaning when you're in the Nevada desert. It's a close second to the middle of nowhere in West Texas, and the middle of nowhere in Southeastern California, but it's special in that in brings on the panic of desperation. All of a sudden you find yourself thinking of the worst "what if" scenario you can muster.

The mind conjures up old westerns, age old Road Runner cartoons and the grisly scene in Casino where they take Joe Pesci's character out to the desert and beat him and his brother to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat and then bury them alive. (Technically, this took place in a cornfield, but in my mind, I see it taking place in the desert.)

In case you need help with the visualization exercise, you can enlarge this picture to get an idea of what I'm talking about. Buzzards would find you before people would, were you to get stranded out here:

This picture was taken near Beatty, Nevada, about an hour from Death Valley, California (another lovely place) and about 150 miles northwest of Las Vegas. There is literally nothing for miles and miles and miles. Hours without a change of landscape.

Surprisingly though, the one thing you will find out here are brothels. I wish I had gotten a picture of some of them, especially the Shady Lady Ranch, voted the best small brothel five years in a row.

ut since I didn't, I can give you an idea of what it looks like. Imagine a double wide trailer. The kind you see in the poorest part of any town, where the wood is weathered by the elements and the roof is sagging. The one that has the car propped up on blocks outside, the rusty swing set, and perhaps a garden globe or an algae ridden fountain on the front lawn. Essentially, imagine a piece of shit hellhole where you wouldn't let your dog live.

Then, paint it the most garish shade of yellow you can find. And plant plastic flowers out front. Once you have that picture in your mind, plant that image squarely in the center of the picture above. Waaaay back in that picture, beyond the road that you see out front...further....back juuust a bit more. Perfect. Now carve out a long driveway to said trailer. Excellent.

You now have the Shady Lady Ranch. Thanks to the internet, you don't actually have to drive to the middle of nowhere to take a tour of the ranch. While on the virtual tour, be sure to check out the "parlor", decorated in French Provincial (wow, you can't even tell it's a trailer). Oh, and don't forget to look at the "Asian Room" (wow, you can't even tell it's still a trailer) and let's not forget the bed fit for a King and a Geisha (wow, you can't even tell that bed is in a trailer).

Best of all, you can check out the girls you have to choose from. I don't know what these girls do with all the cash they pull in because believe me when I tell you, there is nothing to spend your money on out here. No mall, no Wal-Mart, no Starbucks; not even a Dollar General. If you have a desire to send a lot of mail, the Post Office is only thirty miles away, but for all else, you'd need to take the 150 mile hike to Las Vegas. That must be where they go to buy all their leopard print garb.

If all of this intrigues you, and you are between 21 and 40, have a good work ethic, are service oriented, have a willingness to please (a must) and possess a good attitude, you can apply to be a Shady Lady.

Won't your mother be proud? You can always tell her you're in "telemarketing" like someone I know did.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting the price list for the Shady Lady, but I couldn't find the price for anything less that 40 minutes. I'll need to call them and see if I could break that up into 10 sessions.

Lisbeth said...

Very funny description of the location of the 'establishment'. Have you noticed that their July Specials involve gas cards?
I guess the rising fuel prices are also affecting their patrons' desire to drive out there in the middle of nowhere :-D