Sunday, August 13, 2006

Six Flags Of Horror Fly Over Texas

Today I was taken, against my will, to Six Flags Over Texas. Miraculously, I survived. Therefore, the story of the most the horrendous day of my life will follow. I have never been more aggravated or more miserable in a single day than in this one. And how utterly appropriate that it all happened in the state I despise the most; Texas.

The day began for me by waking at five thirty to get ready for a mandatory trucking-related class I had to attend. After sitting through a class so boring, it made me want to shove pencils in my eyes, my boyfriend decided we were going to Six Flags to have some fun. "Fun" was the very word he used. To describe rides. In an amusement park.

I hate rides. And I hate amusement parks.

I thought he was joking. He was SO not.

After arriving and finding a spot to park, we began the death march toward the front gate. At $45.00 a person, I found this a very expensive way to ruin a day. Thankfully, I had the mind to ask the girl at the ticket window to give me a discount. Any discount. She responded with a very lovely offer of $45.00 for both of us. Ed was excited that I saved him money! I told him that at least now I wouldn't have to feel so bad for what I knew was going to be a barrage of complaints he was going to hear. I got in for free, therefore, I'd be able to say to him, "Well, at least you didn't have to pay for me."

I won't detail all the rides we went on, but let's just say the meandering through the park of various amusements began at the Sombrero ride. Yes, sombreros. Spinning sombreros. This is where I promptly text messaged my best friend saying, "It's 9000 degrees and I'm on a fucking spinning sombrero at Six Flags". She knows me for twenty years so I knew she'd feel my pain.

This is also where I told Ed that he clearly needed a younger girlfriend. If this was his idea of fun, then he really should be dating someone younger than me. Perhaps he needed to find a cute, bubbly, fifteen year old.

With map in hand, in the oppressive heat that was strangling the very life out of me, Ed was determined to hit every major ride in the park. The first one, a bobsled sort of ride, was absolutely horrible and I am convinced I left it with a back injury. I guess I'm going to have to re-think my Olympic bobsled dreams.

With my fresh back injury hindering my walking ability, we made our way over to the famous Texas Giant. Deemed the #1 wooden roller coaster in the world (by masochists), we waited in line to give it a whirl. Looking up at this big, wooden monstrosity was enough to deter someone from riding. It looked like kindling. Oh, how I wished I had a match.

Getting into the seat proved to be the first unpleasant task. You think airline seats are small? You should have sat in this. It was like sitting in a child's high chair. Granted, I'm not a tiny girl, but still....I barely squeezed myself into it.

Then, it began. The rocking, the rickety, the clackety-clacking of the wood, and the squeaking and creaking as it climbed the first hill, before beginning its descent into hell. The ride was so fast and so violent, I thought I was going to be thrown from the rail car. I might have been, if my ass wasn't wedged into it so tightly! I knew at that moment, that the day was going to go downhill even faster than the ride did.

I felt horrible. My stomach was churning and my body was killing me. I think I had bruises on every portion of flesh that came in contact with wood. I quickly recalled why I hadn't been to an amusement park since I was twelve.

Here's my idea of what I could have done to experience the Texas Giant without paying the forty five dollar admission fee:

Go to Home Depot and buy a two by four. Then, drive into the stark heat of the desert and have someone beat the SHIT out of me with that two by four. Make sure they don't let up on the beating for at least three minutes. Hit each arm, hit my thighs, hit my hips, crack it over my back a few times and while they're at it, make sure I'm staring directly into the sun so that I feel the heat warming the blood that is building up in my skull. When the beating has ceased, shake me violently forward, almost snapping my neck but not, and then bring the whole scenario to a screeching halt by forcing me back into an upright position.

So, forget actually going on the roller coaster. Just beat the shit out of the people who want to ride it. Same thing. Same experience. Same results.

Between the hellish inferno-like heat, the lines, the screaming children, the humidity, the noise, and the rotting garbage smell in the park, the only thing that could have made this day more miserable would be to have had root canal surgery between rides...without anesthesia.

Ed narrowly escaped losing me as a girlfriend today. Even after I expressed the discomfort, nausea, and delirium that I was experiencing as a result of the over one hundred degree weather, he still wanted me to finish out the day by joining him on the last few rides in the park. Since I was trying to do something he thought was fun, since he always does things I think are fun, I felt my only choice was to continue on.

I don't really know why I agreed, but I guess I just wanted the day to be over with and my choice at that point was to either argue with him in the heat for half an hour or go on a three minute ride and try to contain my vomit in the napkin I strategically hid in my cleavage. I chose the ride and figured if I did decide to vomit, I would just turn my head slightly toward him and thank him for taking me to the park by covering him in a spray of my lunch. I've already done this once before in my life, the throwing-up-on-a-ride part. Not a pretty sight. Or smell.

As we drove home, he cheerily expressed how he thought it would be "fun" to hit as many amusement parks as we could in our travels across the country. The next on his list, he said, is Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. I informed him that I will NEVER be going to another amusement park in my life. Ever.

In the meantime, we are going to try to synchronize our definition of "fun." If, by the end of that conversation, he doesn't clearly understand that it will never include amusement park rides that make me want to vomit, I might just be writing the next post about my new boyfriend.

Either that, or I'll be online finding him a young girlfriend to join him on the rollercoasters while I stay home drinking iced lattes!


Anonymous said...

He ought to ditch your pitiful ass.

Anonymous said...

I'll do you one better Salena! I spent the 4th of JULY in SeaWorld and Disneyland with MY PARENTS, MY 2 SISTERS, MY BROTHER IN-LAW, MY SON, 2 NEPHEWS and one niece. FOR THREE DAYS. WE DROVE IN ONE VEHICLE. San Diego was freaking humid (go figure in July? Let's just say my sisters who planned this family outing wanted to tape my mouth shut after the first 20 complaints)My mom fell and broke her shoulder the first day in Disneyland (She's ok).After that it was smooth sailing on the way home...that was becuase everyone was HAPPY to get home in one piece...and the van had AC. :)
love ya!

Anonymous said...

anonymous is obviously one pathetic asshole...anyone with a brain can see that your blog was all about your dislike of the heat and the activities that don't give you one good feeling...regardless of who you may be with...if he does ditch you it will be the greatest loss he'll ever experience in his life...and because of you being beautiful with so many people who adore you and love will go one, stronger and better for the experience...keep blogging, your talent and gifts shine in every word...your fans are out here, so don't personalize a jerk's opinion...MAE

Anonymous said...

The Texas Giant is the worst! I love the big rides at Six Flags, but even I have sworn off the Texas Giant. It is just way too rough. You have my sympathies! I think you should get the "good girlfriend" award for your efforts. I won't take you despising Texas personally...! :::wink:::

Have fun on the road!

Anonymous said...

Hey, tell Ed that I love amusement parks - you can sip lattes with Brian while Ed and I have all the fun - Playland awaits! Hope to see you soon - Love, Ro

Anonymous said...

It's cause of annoying people like you why I'll never leave Texas....