Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Slim Or None? I'll Take None.

Vicki and I just had a conversation about, of all things, tampons. Why? I don't know, so don't ask. Just know that this is how we fill our days and endless phone calls. I don't know how Ed stands the chatter all the time. All I have to say is that he has an bottomless well of tolerance.

Back to the tampon thing. The conversation focused primarily on why Slimfit Regular size tampons are even available. Unless you're a 6 year old child, these are just not gonna cut it. I don't know even know anyone who uses them, and believe me, I've bummed tampons like some people bum cigarettes. If I asked for a tampon and someone handed me one of these, I'd have to wonder if they thought my nose was running, cause that's the only place it would fit - in my nostril.

Vicki says if she coughs, these slim fits would come flying right out of her. "If I even clear my throat, it's in my underwear." she said, going on to say, "I want something that's going to absorb a 6 oz. glass of soda. You know what I mean?" Oh, I know.

These things are supposed to allow you to do all the things our grandmothers couldn't - hiking, camping out, sky diving, dancing and any watersport you can think of. Back then, women were always afraid of their pad "shifting" or floating to the top of the community pool. No more.

In order to do all of these things, you have to know that your tampon is going to stay put and do its job. Period. No pun intended. Which means you must have Super or SuperPlus, not the I-have-a-snapper-the-size-of-a-six-year-old SlimFits. Vicki said she wishes they'd sell a roll of paper towels with a string attached to it. I agree.

So if I had a choice between slim or none, I'd have to take none and get busy searching for something to tie to my roll of Bounty.

3 comments:

vicissitudinaire said...

Hahahahaha. That was hilarious.

Peronsally, I've never used tampons, because having something stuffed up there for a prolonged period kind of makes me go all hypochondriac on myself.

I have been watching (with slight astonishment) the incredible shrinking tampons that are advertised. When it got down to be the size of a fun-sized candy bar, I wasn't thinking the same thing you complained about, but I was incredulous about its powers of absorbancy. But your descriptions of its failures made me giggle throughout the whole reading, especially your friend Vicki's comment about wanting paper towels with strings attached :-D.

Oh, and what you said about pads floating up in the pool....did people swim with pads?!

Anonymous said...

I learned more than I EVER wanted to know about tampons.
Thanks
Greggie

PleadingThe5th said...

That's too funny, I've wondered the same thing. Who the hell are those for??? I've also wondered if anybody actually uses the kind that don't have an applicator (because our landfills are overflowing with tampon plungers????). Can you imagine emerging from the stall with a sticky finger for all to see and know you presently have the curse? Sorry, I'm getting too graphic now. I won't even mention Instead® (http://www.softcup.com/).