Saturday, May 01, 2010

Can Leap Tall Buildings (And Pee On Cue) In A Single Bound!

Yesterday, Ed and I got called for a random drug test. It's sort of like the Army. When they call, you go. No ifs, ands or buts. You can never say no (well, unless you want to be out of a job) and you don't have much time to get there. You kinda have to be like a fireman, ready to jump into your pants and hightail it over to the fire; which in this case, was whichever clinic they instructed us to go to.

Our past experience has been that we're always under a load when called. Which makes sense when you think about it because if you're driving a load somewhere, you're obviously operating your motor vehicle and what better time to catch you doing something you're not supposed to be doing than when you're operating your motor vehicle? But this time when they called, they were very cagey. It sounded like they were sending us on a spy mission.

Ed and I were laying in bed when the phone rang; he answered using the speakerphone.

"Hello?" he mumbled.

"Hi, Ed? Whatcha' doin?" the woman said.

"Nothing." he answered.

"Um...I'm just calling to see if you guys are under a load?" she asked.


"Well, will you be under a load soon?" she asked.

"Maybe, why?"

"Can you just call me back when you're under a load?" she said.

"I guess. What's this about?" he said.

We just woke up, it was very early (they're on the East Coast, three hours later than us) and I can tell by the way Ed is answering that he's in no mood to play twenty questions. He usually doesn't even speak within the first few minutes of waking, so I'm surprised he's even coherent.

"Well, why don't you just call me back when you have a load?" she said.

OK, can you be more vague? We weren't under a load and weren't sure if we would be under a load because Ed was waiting to hear back from the guy he ordered our steer tires from. We didn't want to go anywhere until we got the new tires put on, so we sort of weren't looking too hard for a load out.

"Can't you just tell us why you're calling?" I finally interject.

I'm getting annoyed now and feel like I'm in the
fuckin' Twilight Zone. Jesus. Just spit it out already.

She sighs a huge, loooooong, biiiiig sigh. "Well. You and Ed and have been selected for a random drug screen." she said.

That's it?? She couldn't have just said that in the first two minutes??

Ed hears this and jumps up and yells, "We won!! We won!! We've been selected!!!" OK, I'm kidding. He didn't jump, nor did he yell. But I do think he rolled his eyes. So we got up, skipped breakfast (thanks, lady!) and traipsed over to the medical center of their choice and peed in a cup. And as usual, we passed with flying colors!

Just so you know, I have no problem with this happening. I completely understand the need for drug and alcohol tests and I'm all about the randomness. Safety is paramount in our industry so any little thing that can be done to ensure our safety and the safety of the drivers and people around us, the better. And Ed is so "Mr. Safety" that if I let him wear his yellow vest all the time, he probably would.

But honestly? They're really wasting their time and money on Ed and I. I think I can count on one hand how many times I've been drunk in the entire forty-two years I've been on this earth. In addition to that, I've never smoked and have never, ever, EVER in my life tried an illegal drug of any kind. And Ed? He doesn't even like to take aspirin. He'd rather ride out a headache (aggravating me in the process, since we all know how men are when they don't feel well) than pop an Advil.

So it turns out that in our time off (going on 14 days as of today) in Los Angeles, we've actually gotten quite a bit done. Sightseeing, laundry, a new hood hinge and fiberglass bumper for the truck, brand new steer tires (which did come in), two brand spankin' new health cards for passing our DOT physicals, and a sparkling clean pee test. We're so clean, we squeak!

Have I mentioned we've been thinking about applying to the FBI?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Eddie Makes A Pie Friday
What A Doll!
Day Two In The Desert
April Showers Bring May…Fish??

1 comment:

Ms. Crawford said...

I can relate to the Advil. Kendall has to be half dead to take an Advil and that is all I have ever seen him even take. Not even cold medicine. Boys are silly. If I have even a mild headace I am like "bring on the Advil" for my sake and yours!

I love how sneaky the lady was. When you have nothing to worry about some of the procedures they have for drug testing seem so outlandish. "Touch this, don't touch that, stand here, don't move, you have 3 mins to pee, don't wash your hands" It is all very military and they always seem so suspicious. It cracks me up every time :)