Phone Calls And Fellatio

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who don't return phone calls.

Actually, it's more than a pet peeve; it's enough to make me want to end a friendship, disown a family member or not patronize a business.

Why? Because there IS NO EXCUSE. Not ONE.

Well, unless when I called, you were bleeding from a massive head wound and couldn't get to the phone because the blood was steadily flowing into your eyes, causing temporary blindness. That's almost the only good reason. And even then, I would expect you to call me back once you got your head bandaged.

I don't think I can express how much this irritates me. People use shit ass excuses; busy with work, family, life, etc. Well, that's just crap. I work. I have a family. I have a life. AND often, I am in more than one time zone in a day and I make time to call.

There is just nothing you can be doing that doesn't afford a break to make a phone call. I can understand if you were an astronaut and you were in space, but you're not. If you work outside of the home, you have a lunch hour or drive to/from work - call then. If you're a stay at home mom, then you're home. If you're doing chores, call after the spin cycle. If you have kids, they most likely have school, right? They have to sleep, don't they? Call then.

Here are some of the excuses I've heard for not calling back:

I've been out all day running errands. (You have a cell phone, right?? Call while you're driving.)

I've been so busy, I haven't had a chance to call. (Busy doing what? You don't even have a job.)

I didn't hear the phone. (But you did eventually reunite with your phone and look at it, didn't you? I know you can see I called.)

I guess there is something wrong with my voicemail. I didn't get your message. (But again, you can see I called, right?)

The kids had to go to basketball or soccer or dance or swimming or whatever. (Okaaaaay....and how does that hinder your ability to use a phone?)

Um, I DO have a job you know. (This is intended to imply that I don't really have a job because my job isn't like their job. Since my job affords me more freedom, I should understand that their job somehow prevents them from calling. Which of course is pure bullshit because I, too, once had a job like that and I still made time to call people back.)

Most of the above examples are from friends or family. People who are supposed to want to talk to me; or at least they want to when they need something. Then they know how to call.

As for businesses that don't return phone calls? Well, they don't get my business. If I call a business to ask a question about a product or service and they don't call me back, either at all or within a reasonable time frame, I'll go somewhere else. Period. There are too many options out there to be waiting on anyone to call me back.

Perhaps I should employ that same tactic with friends and family. You don't call me, I don't call you. I really don't need your friendship if you don't feel it's important enough to maintain it. The people who have been in my life the longest maintain contact with me, whether by email or with phone calls. On Sunday, I got birthday phone calls/messages from two people who I haven't physically seen for over five years; yet they remembered my birthday. They also call, email or text on a regular basis. And they both have jobs, children and lives. Gee, how ever do they fit it in??

When someone tells me they "didn't have time to call," I usually tell them this: If the President of the United States found time for a blow-job, YOU can find time to return a phone call.

I Know She's Topless, But Is That A Castanet In Her Hand??

A garden statue at The Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina.

Eggs Of Wisdom Apparently Start Hatching At Forty

In a recent email, my mother chose to share this little egg of wisdom:

"At 40, you are at the pinnacle of a turning point in your life. Poppy used to tell me, "by 40 you've usually lost one parent, you are aware that your marriage isn't everything you dreamed it to be, and you learn a harsh reality of being responsible for your own happiness and well-being". I kinda thought he was a bore when he repeatedly repeated this to me during our visits, lol. Little did I know the depth and breadth of those words of wisdom. Since they came from your grandfather, I pass them on to you."

Great. Thanks, Mom.

She dispensed with this wisdom just days before my birthday; today, my friends, I turned 40. And as my grandfather stated, I've lost one parent, I'm not married, but in a long term relationship that has moments where Ed narrowly escapes death when it's not everything I dreamt it to be, and although I don't have a life full of your average responsibilities (kids, mortage payments, getting to work on time to face a boss you despise...) I'm still responsible for my own happiness.

Shit. What the hell does that mean?? I really hope it doesn't mean I have to grow up because I'm so not ready to do that. Pfffttt. How boring would that be? Look, I have a boyfriend in his early thirties, a best friend who acts like she's twelve and my dear friend Alan who, although older than me, you'd swear was Dick Clark's brother! He hasn't aged since the day I met him over fifteen years ago; plus, he has a laugh that would make a room full of first graders giggle! So why do I have to be the one to grow up?

And what exactly is supposed to happen at forty? Is this the top of the hill or am I over the hill? And if I'm over the hill, fuck it, I'm going to do just what I'd do in my 18-wheeler; flip on the Jake Brake and ride the hill slowly and steadily, chugging all the way down to the bottom. I don't care who or what is behind me. They'll just have to wait. This is MY ride.

I will admit though, that since my father died, I have been thinking a lot about my own mortality and even death in general. Sometimes when I am driving late at night, I am convinced that any and every pain I have is most likely a heart attack; and since Ed sleeps like a corpse, I'm going to take my last breath on the side of some barren interstate, listening to the voice of Nancy Grace, while he sleeps through the entire thing.

Or...I think about how, although I know my brother fears losing me, I hope I go first because I know I wouldn't be able to live another day if he died before me.

Or...I wonder how I'm going to survive my mother not being here someday, as much as her American Idol voting style irritates me.

Or...I wonder what would happen if a moose jumped out in front of the truck; would I swerve and careen off the road into a ditch, possibly to my death or would I hit the moose and risk the antlers coming through the windshield, impaling me, and ultimately still causing my death?

Clearly, driving at night with nothing to distract me, is not the best time to do deep thinking.

On a lighter note, I usually never worry about the things most women obsess over as they age: I have almost no gray hair, on most days I would rather plan my next yummy meal than worry about my weight, and I believe because of those many extra pounds, I barely have a wrinkle on my face. Ah-ha! I think I may have just found the one benefit of being fat; plump and juicy skin. Oh wait, there's another one. Since I've been "full figured" most of my life, I won't be stressing over why I can't weigh what I did in high school or if I'll ever be able to fit into my "skinny" jeans again. Who gives a shit? There is SO much more to life than skinny jeans.

That being said, there are some things I will be giving more attention as I age. My health is the first of them. At this time, I am as healthy as a horse, but that doesn't mean I want to weigh as much as one. I know extra weight puts a strain on my body and although I've been lucky up until now, I plan on eating better and maybe even incorporating the "E" word into my day; and I don't mean eclairs. I dread the "E" word. But, I am going to work on staying healthy; after all, I have people who would miss me if I were gone. Right? Hello?? Right???

The second thing I want to work on has more to do with following dreams; writing, photography, inventions, business opportunities, etc. I have a list of things and have begun outlines for all of them and Eddie and and I have already discussed taking time off to dedicate to these pursuits. I told him we needed a month or two in a hotel, uninterrupted, to map everything out; I really want to get going on the things we've already discussed. I also have two projects in the works with my best friend and I've decided to dedicate more time to that. I've just had so many signs lately telling me I need to venture in a forward direction. I'm tired of saying, "I can do that!" when I see other people's ideas come to fruition. I have time, money and a great support system. There is no reason to not move forward with MY things.

Third is travel; designated spots in the United States and eventually, Europe. Ed and I have already started to map out our jaunt and so far we've got seventeen countries and a two month plan. My passport is seriously starting to burn a hole in my carry-on bag and cruising around Canada just isn't going to cut it. I want stamps dammit! From real foreign countries, not just our pleasant neighbors to the north!

In fact, I've already made a friend via the internet who has graciously offered to show me around her family's ancestral village when I'm in Italy. I will most definitely be taking her up on it. What she doesn't know (well, up until now) is that my sole reason for visiting is to try and pressure her into cooking me something from her What's Cooking Wednesday series. Since most of her meals are based on what's in season, I might just have to plan my whole trip around the time eggplant is plentiful. And thank God there isn't a season for veal.

Finally, I'd like to work on documenting family history for the future generation. I have three nephews, who by the very nature of being boys, will probably not be interested in learning about their heritage and family history until everyone who knows anything is six feet under. How I'm going to do this isn't clear yet, but since I have so much on my "To Do" list, I better figure something out quickly.

The other day when I mentioned I was feeling as if forty was old, my friend said that forty is the new thirty. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better. Then I remembered the George Bernard Shaw quote, "Youth is waste on the young." In part, I agree with him. Ed and I have often talk about how people should live their lives backward - starting with the time and money age usually affords someone so you can do everything you desire to do.

But, I'm not "old old" yet. I don't have blue hair, I don't need a walker, I still have all of my teeth and I've yet to have a hot flash. Oh dear God, please don't let me have a hot flash, you must know how much I despise the heat...

So, at 10:49 a.m. eastern time, I will officially be The Big Four Oh.

Watch out people, eggs are a hatching everywhere!

Looks Fairly Serene To Me

The side gate outside of the Sorrel-Weed House in Savannah, Georgia. Supposedly, the place is haunted; find some interesting information on the house here.

Eddie Hoots It Up Friday

Eddie, on one of our very rare visits to a Hooters. Um...I'm thinkin' he a looks bit too happy being there, dontcha think???

Wanderlust Checklist

Over the years, I've kept a mental list of places I've wanted to visit; finding out about each of them through something I've read, heard from a friend, or seen on TV or in the movies. The beauty of my job is that I can incorporate something fabulous into the normal course of a regular workday.

The list probably would have been longer, but since my memory is shot (Goldfish, remember?) I will list the first five that came to mind:

THE BILTMORE ESTATE in Asheville, North Carolina.

This one I'll be visiting this weekend and I know from just reading the website (more than once!) that I'll be going back; I'm already thinking of planning my next trip to catch the Christmas celebration.

The WICKANINNISH INN located in Tofino, British Columbia, Canada.

My last visit to Victoria Island was in January of 2006 and it was a beautiful place. This Inn, overlooking the jagged cliffs on the coast of Canada might just be a perfect place to celebrate Eddie's birthday in the new year; you know, since it's all rugged and remote and stuff. Very manly.

THE GRAND HOTEL on Mackinac Island in Michigan.

Ever since seeing the movie, Somewhere In Time, I've wanted to visit this place. I have a friend who recently visited the island and said it was beautiful, but I want to sit on that 660 foot porch and see for myself! Beyond fantasy. Beyond obsession. Beyond time itself... he will find her.

THE FAIRMONT BANFF SPRINGS HOTEL in Banff, Alberta, Canada.

Banff is beautiful; especially in the winter. I don't ski, but I can certainly sip a Hot Toddy while drinking in the splendor of the snow capped mountains of the Canadian Rockies.

BOLDT CASTLE on Heart Island in Alexandria Bay, New York.

A castle on a Heart shaped island? How can any woman not want to visit this one??

My plan is to visit all of these within the next year. I will certainly be adding others to the list and as I visit each of them, you will hear about it here. Come back next week to read about the Biltmore Estate!

Modern, Yet Not So Much

Reminders For Morons

I am always perplexed when I see a sign in a restaurant bathroom, either on the mirror above the sink or on the exit door, that says "Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work".

Do they really need to be told?

And how does the management enforce it? Do they ask to see your hands or smell them to check for soap smell like your mother used to do when you were a kid? How stupid are people that don't know they need to wash their hands after they use the bathroom???

Honestly, I am not at all surprised by the level of stupid in this country; I listen to a lot of talk radio and if the people who call in are any indication of what's out there, we are in some serious trouble. I often wonder if they only allow the stupid ones on the air.

Hmmm....on second thought...maybe the ones who call radio shows are the same ones who don't wash thier hands.

The Men In Mexico Are Snappy Dressers

An unmanned shoe shine stand in Nogales, Sonora, Mexico. It won't be that way for long though, as those Vaqueros like their boots very shiny!

I've Been Everywhere Sunday Coming To An End

OK, I'm bored by the "I've Been Everywhere Sunday" posts, so I'm discontinuing them. What's that? Did someone say something? Oh, guess not. See. Everyone is bored by them.

Seriously though, it's over. We've been doing a lot of running back and forth, traveling the same route and I don't really feel like it's been all that interesting.

I'll try to come up with something else, but for now.....Sayonara!

Casa De Cambio

Nogales, Sonora, Mexico

Eddie The Professional Tourist Friday

The Professional Tourist

Just Steps Away From The River

Steps leading from the cobblestone street along the Savannah River, up to Bay Street in the heart of downtown Savannah.

Pimping For The Presidency

Yesterday being September 11th was as usual, a media circus; TV, radio, newspapers.

Terrorists are everywhere. (They might be sitting right next to you. Boo!)

We must fight them there so they don't come here. (There's a new Bin Laden tape - didja hear?)

The long, expensive, useless fence we must build to keep "them" out. (You know, the Mexicans.)

The surge is working. (Can anyone with half a brain do the math on this?)

All these lies instill fear in our citizens; who, when not given the facts or who unfortunately don't have the intelligence to research for themselves, believe what the talking heads in the idiot box (and specifically the Rose Garden) tell them. And it's pitiful.

Along with so many of the other unworthy Republican candidates, touting their bullshit to support the organizations and corporations that already line their pockets, this one really needs to stop pimping September 11th as part of his repertoire. How many years does the public have to be subject to the circus that surrounds the anniversary of this date?

Enough, already. Stop USING this event to make a point or stir up fear and hatred.

Just remember, acknowledge and move on.

Market Flora

A decorative flower cart at the City Market in Savannah, Georgia.

If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Would Fart At The Speed Of Light

My sister-in-law was shopping last week with my youngest nephew, the four year old. In the middle of the mall was a fountain where one can throw coins and make a wish, so of course he asked to try it.

She agreed, telling him to throw a coin in the fountain and wish for something he really wanted. He happily tossed his coin and said, "I wish Nana would come home."

His wish was in reference to my mother recently going to the hospital for a few tests, but since she was already back home, my sister-in-law said, "Nana is already home. Why don't you make another wish." So he threw another penny in and said, "OK. Then my wish is for Nana to feel better."

"Well, now that's a nice wish." she said. Then he asked, "Can I make another one?? A wish just for me?"

She agreed, handed him another coin, and with a powerful stroke, he threw his coin into the fountain and declared, "I wish my farts came out faster!"

"What did you say??" my sister-in-law asked, whipping her head around, not sure if she heard him right.

"I want my farts to come out faster."

"What??" she repeated, still stunned.

"I said," he explained slowly, "I want my farts to come. out. faster."

Looking around to see if anyone overhead, she inquired, "Where did you come up with that??"

"I don't know." he quickly shrugged. "But that's the wish I want."

Don't we all?

I've Been Everywhere Sunday

This week was spent in the southern half of the United States. From surprisingly cool California, through the heat Arizona, to the Atlantic Coast of South Carolina and Georgia.

It's such a treat to get to see so much of the country and spend the weekend in places like Hilton Head and Savannah. I'll definitely be going back to those areas!

Adelanto, CA
Boligee, AL
Charleston, SC (Where history lives.)
Coosawhatchie, SC
Eloy, AZ
Las Cruces, NM
Savannah, GA (The undisputed Jewel of the South.)
Shreveport, LA
Siloam, GA
Van Horn, TX (A place so full of nothingness, I can't even believe they have a website!)

** On a side note: If anyone can tell me how to get my banner to be CENTERED across the top of my blog, I'd really appreciate it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and need some HTML guidance! Thanks!

Praying In The Jewel Of The South For Over 250 Years

Independent Presbyterian Church. Savannah, Georgia. I was surprised when I came across this picture, taken in 1936, looking almost identical to the one I took today.

Eddie Plays A Round Friday

This is what Eddie looked like after he and his Dad played a round of golf in the hot New Mexico sun, where a straw hat is obviously a must!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

In my time on the road, I've come to realize that kids love trucking.

Michael, my original fan, calls me several times a week to see where I am, wants to know when he can come on the road with me and foamed at the mouth when I gave him the old spot mirrors off our truck. He just can't get enough.

It seems a lot of other kids have the same reaction; whether they are the little strangers we pass on the street, pumping their arms to get us to blow the horn or my crazy nephews wanting to get up in the cab to bob up and down on the air ride seats, they all have an interest. Even the girls.

This became more evident last week when Vicki called to tell me Mina was having second thoughts about her career choice. We had recently stopped to have lunch with Vicki and the kids and over a slice of pizza, Mina was telling me that since she loves animals, she decided she wants to become a vegetarian so she can help them. I told her that being a vegetarian would certainly help the animals, knowing full well she meant veterinarian.

But after I left, she was apparently distraught. She told Vicki she made a "terrible mistake" at school that day and didn't know what to do. Vicki asked her what the problem was.

"Well, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to become a vegetarian, but now I think I want to be a truck driver!" she explained in distress. "Do you think it's too late to change it???"

Vicki said she was on the verge of tears. Trying not to laugh, she said, "Mina. You're six years old. You have plenty of time to decide on your career and even change your mind a few times in the process. Besides, I'm sure your teacher will let you change your journal. Don't worry about it."

Her shoulders relaxed like the weight of world was lifted from them and her tiny little face broke into a smile as she let out a sigh; obviously thrilled that her days as a truck driver had not been quashed by her errant pen.

Ripe For A Dognapping

I think Mischa has her nose in the air because the "new dog" made the blog first. She seems a little miffed, dontcha think?

Trying to get either one of them to stand still for any length of time was a challenge. I have several frames of Mischa licking my camera lens but none that were clear enough to post. Hmmm, maybe it was the slobber?

Anyway, this is Trudy's cohort and the one who sets the pace (and rules) for the household. I know one thing I can warn Eddie's mother of - if either one of these mini pooches are missing, the first place she should probably look is in our truck!

Keeping The Homeland Secure One Dog At A Time

My mother has been saying how she wanted to experience life on the road as we live it, so we recently granted her wish and took her on an overnight trip in the truck.

She is an excellent passenger; doesn't complain, doesn't eat much and wasn't at all demanding. Ed must have been thinking about taking her on the road, because truth be told, she is the absolute opposite of me. She really seemed to be enjoying herself and was drinking in the whole experience as you would expect a curious traveler to do.

Personally, I think the thing that kept her so satisfied was the constant ambient temperature of the truck, which I like to keep right around 65 degrees. Perfect for traveling through the desert during the summer.

As we approached the California state line, we came upon a border patrol checkpoint. There was a long, snaking line of tractor trailers and passenger cars, which eventually slowed to a stop, causing my mother to look up from her book.

She glanced out the window and said, "Are all of these people stopping at this hot dog stand?"

"Hot dog stand?? Mom, this is a border patrol checkpoint."

"Ohhhhh," she said. "Well, I saw the umbrella and thought they were selling hot dogs."

We both laughed at her mistake, but honestly, they may as well have been selling hotdogs. For all the money that goes towards the farce of "homeland security," I'd be more satisfied if my tax dollars went toward a weenie with all the fixings rather than one in a uniform.

Pocket Full Of Min Pin

This is Trudy; she belongs to Eddie's mom. She's a Min Pin, and cute as can be!! Weighing in at just a few pounds, she's only four months old and can yap with the best of them. Look for Trudy's partner in crime later in the week!

I've Been Everywhere Sunday

Back and forth across the country we go. The states are often the same, but we do hit a lot of different towns along the way.

This week's picks:

Abilene, TX
Arkadelphia, AR (An interesting town with an odd name.)
Carlsbad, NM
Hagerstown, MA
Las Cruces, NM
Martinsburg, WV
Mount Juliet, TN (The place I long to call home.)
Newark, NJ
Tucson, AZ (Blistering hot, but people love to Do Tucson!)
Wytheville, VA

Dicks In Tennessee

Leaving Nashville and heading west, you will pass through Dickson, TN. I have driven through this town before on my way up to Kentucky and thought the town itself to be very beautiful.

When we recently passed the sign, I said to Ed, "I love Dickson, Tennessee."

"Well, I prefer the va-jay-jays in Tennessee. I don't much go for the dicks."

And this, people, is what I live with everyday.

Eddie Steals A Bite Friday

A close-up of him stealing the first bite.

The Hills Are Alive...Or Are They?

Hollister, California. A hillside so perfect, it looks fake.

What A Grape Idea!

This makes a great desktop picture. Try it! And look for more produce coming your way; I got a little crazy at Casa de Fruta!

Me And My Man

1. Who is your man?
Known to most as Ed, some as Eddie, and to my nephews; "The Ed Man"

2. How long have you been together?
Three long wonderful years!

3. How long dated?
We dated for six months before I threw all caution to the wind, quit my job and went on the road with him.

4. How old is your man?
He’s a spring chicken; younger than me by 8 years. Woo Hoo!

5. Who eats more?
Um, I think we go neck and neck on this one, unfortunately.

6. Who said "I love you" first?
I did, by mistake. Then he did, on purpose.

7. Who is taller?
He towers a full 4” above me.

8. Who sings better?
Of course I think I do, but in actuality, he’s got a much better voice.

9. Who is smarter?
Well, I’m a girl, so statistically, I am. But he has his moments.

10. Whose temper is worse?
He has no temper. And when he does get mad, I can’t tell anyway. Must have something to do with southerners not using the word “fuck.”

11. Who does the laundry?
I do. The only thing he contributes in the laundry area are dirty clothes and the quarters for the machine.

12..Who does the dishes?
We have no dishes; those are reserved for the highly skilled dishwashers in restaurants around the country.

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
The only "right" side of the bed is the one closest to the air conditioner. And whatever side that is, is my side. Eddie gets whatever side is left.

14. Who pays the bills?
We don't have any bills, but Eddie pays for everything else.

15. Who has bigger feet?
Well, I wear a woman's size 12, which translates to a man’s size 10. Eddie is a men's size 12, so I guess he has bigger feet.

16. Who has longer hair?
I have longer hair, but Eddie has the hair I want; thick and curly!

17. Who is better with the computer?
Eddie is better technically, but I can usually hold my own with the Geek Squad.

18. Who mows the lawn?
If I had a lawn, the lawn boy would be mowing it.

19. Who cooks dinner?
Whoever happens to be working at the restaurant du jour.

20. Who drives when you are together?
We are a TEAM. There is no “I” in team. We both drive.

21. Who pays when you go out?
The boy ALWAYS pays.

22. Who is most stubborn?
That would be Ed. Hands down.

23. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong?
I’m never wrong, but if I am, I will say. Ed? Another story.

24. Whose parents do you see the most?
Mine.

25. Who kissed who first?
I kissed Eddie first. I just couldn’t wait.

26. Who asked who out?
Eddie asked me out.

27. Who is more sensitive?
Hard to say. I guess different things bother each of us, but I wouldn’t call either of us “sensitive.’

28. Who has more friends?
Me, of course!

29. Who has more siblings?
Well, Eddie has three half-siblings and I have three step-siblings and one natural sibling – so I guess I win!

30. Who wears the pants in the family?
Eddie does; but I like him better without pants.

Once As High As An Elephant's Eye

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.

I've Been Everywhere Sunday

After a week of alien ribs, alien meat and freakishly large flowers, we have landed in sunny California; a place Ed likes to call the land of fruit, nuts and flakes. Yes, I know, he steals material from comdians all the time!

Phoenix was murderous, but California is a good thirty degrees cooler and there is no need to travel with an EMT, so I'm happy. This week, we've been to a whole host of interesting places. Take a look:

Denver, CO
Flagstaff, AZ
Gilbert, AZ
Gilroy, CA (Where garlic is celebrated!)
Le Mars, IA
Oakland, CA
Ogallala, NE
Orange City, IA (A Dutch settlement which boasts a fabulous Tulip festival!!)
San Jose, CA
Sante Fe, NM

Next week: Back to the East Coast!

The Sweet Sight Of Summer

Look at these beauties, Sognatrice! Taken at Casa de Fruta in Hollister, California.

Sweatin' Eddie Friday

I have no picture of Eddie today, but I do have lots of praise for my hardworking man!

We're in Phoenix right now, and second to Yuma, it's a place you never, ever want to visit. Actually, I am inclined to rule out the entire Southwest; unless you visit between October and February. There are a few months that are bearable, but the mercury starts to rise once March comes rolling in, and it's all up on the temperature guage from there.

I'm not very fond of the winter months either, to be honest, but I'm giving those of you who have a desire to visit a time frame in which you are not likely to spontaneously combust or spend a good part of your vacation in the hospital. If you want to spend Thanksgiving in shorts and a tank top, come on out! Personally, I like my "autumn" and "winter" holidays to actually FEEL that way; which explains why I don't visit here very often.

Usually I will say, "Oh, we had a load to pick up here or there." or "We just got done unloading the truck." and by we, it is widely known that I mean Ed. There are occassions where I will help load or unload, but the conditions have to be near perfect for that to happen, and today, conditions were not favorable at all, so Eddie had to work alone.

In THIS:

Yes, that is the actual temperature. I offered to help, but Ed said I wouldn't last a minute out there. And he's right, I would have probably wound up in the hospital. Even HE said he was getting dizzy from the heat. He took several breaks, coming inside to cool off and drink water, but his face stayed fire engine red the entire time. And he was pulsating. I think he was cooking; being baked alive under the Arizona sun.

I do have one thing to say about people who claim it's a dry heat. They are FUCKED. IN. THE. HEAD.

Well, maybe I don't have just one thing to say about them. They are DELUSIONAL. In need of MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. Have seriously DAMAGED brain matter. The fact that they can actual say those words, without smirking? tells me they have something wrong with them. You hear it all the time. "Oh, it's so much better than when I lived in XYZ, where we had heat and humidity. Here, we have a dry heat. You barely feel it."

BULLSHIT. CRAP. MULLARKY. POPPYCOCK. LIES.

You people are LYING. You are the George Bush's of the Southwest. You tell lies you don't even know you are telling and you've told them so often, you actually start to believe it. You can be on fire and you would still be telling the guy sitting next to you that heat without humidity is the prefereable kind. You have just proven that you can lie when the heat is on and do it with a smile on your face.

And I have to say, smile taken into consideration; it's not a pretty sight.

Protecting The Posies

Colorado flowers growing wild behind the barbed wire. And to think, just after we passed this field, we encountered SNOW. Amazing.

Not Sloppy. No Joe. Just Bob And His Loosemeats Residing In The Ice Cream Capital Of The World.

While in LeMars, Iowa this week, we tried a local favorite; loosemeats. As you enter the restaurant, before getting to the order counter, you have to pass a wall displaying an article from Gourmet magazine praising this oddly named food. Gourmet magazine? Hmm. Can't be that bad if Gourmet wrote about it.

Bob's Drive Inn calls their sandwich a "Tavern" and we each had one, along with a shared order of cheeseballs. Now, I've always known a cheeseball to be a person who acts corny, wears tacky clothing or makes inappropriate comments at precisely the wrong moment; but not in Iowa. In Iowa, a cheeseball is actually a cheese ball. Battered and fried. And how can one go wrong with fried cheese? Exactly.

After our introduction to loosemeats and balls o' cheese, we sauntered across the street to the Ice Cream Capital of the World's visitor center and museum; home of Blue Bunny ice cream. We had a nice little tour, learning the history of ice cream, the creation of the Blue Bunny name and how more ice cream is produced in LeMars, Iowa than in any other city in the world.

Now that's a scoop!

Planting The Sun

These photos were taken just south of Grand Forks, ND. North Dakota leads the country in the production of all sunflowers. 1.8 million acres of sunflowers have been planted this year alone!

One of the reasons they need so many of these happy little giants are for people like my mother; she eats sunflower seeds by the thousands and may be the very reason the industry is doing so well.

(to appreciate the sheer number of flowers, click on picture to make it bigger!)

My youngest nephew calls them "sun seeds," which is a great description for this field, which looks as if someone actually did plant the sun in it.

Canada Is Bubblicious

The ceiling view inside Earl's Restaurant in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

I've Been Everywhere Sunday

Whew! Out of the heat at last. This week's list of places takes us to cooler climes, which is the beauty of travel in my opinion; skipping through the places you don't entirely love to get to a places that make you joyful inside!

Bismarck, ND
Bozeman, MT
Emerson, MB
Fargo, ND (The best ribs on earth are at the Space Aliens Grill & Bar in Fargo!)
Idaho Falls, ID
Las Vegas, NV (What happens here stays here.)
Ogden, UT
San Diego, CA
St. George, UT
Winnipeg, MB (Another beautiful Canadian city)

Not sure where we're going next, but I'll be sure to let you know!

A Bottle And A Nap Would Be Nice

For anyone who doesn't know by now, Eddie is the King of Gadgets; and sadly, I am quickly becoming the Queen. We just bought two new laptops (his and hers), two ChillHubs (which I don't think chill anything), various accessories for said computers and the one item that Ed has been salivating over for weeks now; a wireless printer.

In addition to that, I just bought a new camera with a 4GB memory card (omg, I can take like 1200 pictures at one time!!), a camcorder, and I'm seriously contemplating a Blackberry or Treo device, since I like to have all my contacts in one place and it's time for me to replace my cell phone anyway.

With all these modern amenities that are for the most part essential for life anywhere, let alone on the road, there isn't much we can't do in our truck. We have a TV, DVD player, printer/scanner/copier, fax capabilities, refrigerator, microwave, coffee pot, two Palms, a GPS, Bluetooth headsets, XM Radio, multiple telephone earpieces and our CB. Is it any wonder why Ed has our truck wired with a security system worthy of the Pentagon? I swear one of these days I'm going to trip a wire and wind up in jail! I may love all the gadgets, but I can't claim I know how to operate all of them!

Yet, with all these creature comforts, we still try to find ways to streamline our operation. Just the other day, Ed was talking about installing a pulley system to utilize the space at the very top of the truck, by creating a dumbwaiter of sorts for storage; fill the trays/boxes with the stuff that needs to be stored, press a button and voilà, everything is automatically lifted out of immediate view.

He concluded his presentation (all talking and hand waving, no video or sketches, thank God) and tried to close the sale by saying "It'll make your life easier."

Easier?

"If my life were any easier" I said, "I'd be an infant."

Eddie Gives Me That Smoldering Look Friday

One of my favorite pictures of Eddie, taken in Phoenix, Arizona. August 2004.

Touching Down For A Quick Rest Break

Hudson Valley, New York

Asked And Answered

1. Initials:
SL

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
My childhood babysitter

3. Favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe

4. For or against same sex marriage?
For

5. Are you allergic to anything?
Yes, but I'm not sure what it is

6. Are you bisexual?
No

7. Have you ever slept in someone else's clothes?
Yes

8. How many U.S. states have you been to?
All Fifty of them!

9. How many of the U.S. states have you lived in?
Six (NY, TN, KY, AZ, CA, WA)

10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
No

11. Name something physical you like about yourself.
My eyes

12. Something non-physical you like about yourself?
I’m a good conversationalist

13. Do you have any pets?
No

14. What is your dream car?
I've always wanted a Corvette

15. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Europe (Italy, Romania, Hungary and Czech Republic are on the top of my list)

16. Are you bipolar?
No. Yes!! No!! Uh huh. Seriously....No

17. What dream car do you want your husband/wife to drive?
I guess a Bentley with a driver would be nice

18. Where would you want to go on a first date?
Go pick up a latte and go for a drive

19. Would you date the person who sent this to you?
If I were a guy, sure

20. Has anyone ever sang or performed for you personally?
Yes

21. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes

22. Do you like President Bush?
Worst President Ever

23. Have you ever bungee jumped?
Never

24. Have you ever white water rafted?
Nope

25. Has anyone 5 years older than you ever hit on you?
All the time

26. Are you racist?
Absolutely not

27. What song are you listening to right now?
I Got Money Now - Pink (GREAT GREAT CD!!!!!!)

28. What's your favorite song at the moment?
Who Knew, Long Way To Happy, Dear Mr. President, Nobody Knows and I Got Money Now by Pink. Did I mention it was a GREAT CD???

29. What was the last movie you watched?
Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls

30. Where was the last place you went besides your workplace or house?
Target

31. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Yes

32. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
No

33. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Height, Build - I like tall, big guys

35. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Venti Caramel Latte, Extra Hot, Extra Foam

36. Say something totally random about yourself?
My hair is rockin’ this week

37. Do you have an iPod?
No, but I do have an MP3 player

38. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, several times

39. Do you have freckles?
Some from the sun

40. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes, and always wished I were taller

41. Do you love someone right now?
Yes

42. How tall are you?
5'9”

43. Do you speak any other language other than English?
No

44. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes

45. Has anyone you were really close to you passed away?
Yes

46. Do you watch TV?
Rarely

48. What's something that really annoys you?
There isn’t much that doesn’t annoy me, but my top peeves are poor customer service, incompetence, not returning phone calls, being late and poor manners

49. What are some things you really like?
Cold weather, Dining out, Traveling, Air conditioning, Reading, Canada, Cold weather, Being with Vicki and Talking on the phone

50. Do you like Michael Jackson?
I did when I was younger

52. Do you know how to pump gas?
Yes, but avoid doing it whenever possible

53. What do you drive?
A 1997 Freightliner FLD 120

54. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
All night

55. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
No

56. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No

57. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
No

58. What's your favorite state to live in?
So far, it’s been Tennessee but I like any place that is green and has four seasons – the colder, the better

59. What color is your hair?
Dark Brown

60. What color are your eyes?
Brown

61. Do you have any special talents?
Like juggling? No. But I am good at many other things

62. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Mudslide

63. Favorite city?
I LOVE Nashville and I also like San Francisco, Boston and Washington DC

64. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?
No

65. If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?
Working???

66. Who do you live with?
Eddie

67. Last thing you watched on tv?
My new Discovery Channel Store HD-DVD, Discovery Atlas: Italy Revealed

68. Do you wear glasses or contacts?
No

69. Have you ever taken a roadtrip?
My life is a roadtrip

Sanchez. Pedro Sanchez.

Last night we delivered fencing for the border near Yuma, Arizona. Arriving well after one in the morning, the area was eerily quiet with the only movement being the sand blowing in the wind. The air was oppresively hot and heat lightening was creating a glow in the distant sky. The wind formed wavy ripples in the sand and it felt as if we were in a science fiction movie, set on another planet.

To get to the drop off location, we had to snake through a live munitions area on the Barry M. Goldwater Air Force Range, on a single lane road designed for dune buggies and humvees. The wind was blowing so steadily at this point, it had created a sandstorm which was impossible to penetrate with headlights. After about ten miles, we came to a crossroads lit up with stadium like brightness by four free-standing generator driven lights and were able to determine whether we were actually still on the road before being plunged into darkness once again. About ten minutes later, we came to clearing ablaze with the same lights, bustling with activity as truck after truck unloaded their steel fencing.

While waiting to unload, we watched the Mexican trucks in the distance, their lights glowing on Highway 2 in Sonora, just two miles away on the other side of the border. As we sat there looking at the steel posts in the ground, spaced about two feet apart, I joked with Ed about how I could just picture some Mexican guys standing in the openings, taunting the Border Patrol with "nah nah nah nah nah nah. Fence, schmence!"

Honestly, the job of building that fence has got to be a miserable one; and slow, apparently. According to a recent newspaper article, as of June, they have only built 13 miles of fence. Gee, only 357 more miles to go. And once that is up, there will still be 1,630 miles of unfenced border. Way to waste money, guys. Thanks.

An article written by John Barry of speakout.com aptly summed up the crux of the whole fence situation saying, "it makes American citizens feel protected, and gets people elected, without actually stopping the flow of migrant workers." Precisely. Which makes articles like this one a fairly realistic possibility in the future.

That said, I was joking with Ed about how ironic it would be if, after we dropped off our fencing, a Mexican slipped through the steel posts and made a run for our trailer; stowing away on the back or underneath, undetected by us in the inky night and subsequently being hauled across the military range, past the Border Patrol agents and into town, where he would blend seamlessly with the other Mexicans that already live there.

Ed, being a guy, had a whole scenario worked out as to how he would actually do it; part James Bond, part McGyver. The funniest thing about his whole imagined scenario? The name he gave the wily immigrant attempting to be the first Mexican James Bond.

Double Oh Siete.

Giving Indians A Bad Name

Through my posts, I like to communicate what it's like to travel the country as much as I do. As you know, I post a lot of pictures and often write about places I've been (whether they get a good or bad report!). Today I am giving you a 10 step process which, if done properly, will take you to place commonly referred to as "Hell."

1. Go to your kitchen and pre-heat your oven to 475.

2. While waiting for the oven to heat up, get a lamp that uses a 150 watt bulb.

3. Put the lamp on your kitchen counter, close to the oven, plugged in and ready to use.

4. Remove the lampshade.

5. When oven is pre-heated, turn on the lamp and let the bulb heat up.

6. When the bulb is nice and hot, hold the lamp in your right hand and place your left hand on the oven door handle. Don't wear oven mitts; it will ruin the authenticity of the experience.

7. Get as close to the oven door as you can and bring the lamp as close to your face as you can. Look directly into the 150 watt bulb.

8. At the moment you think your eyeballs are going to dry up and burn out of your head, when you can't see anything but hot spots and you think you're going blind, OPEN the oven door.

9. The heat coming from the oven door might throw you back a foot or two (don't drop the lamp!) and your head will snap back instinctively from the rush of hot air. The heat coming out of the oven might singe your facial hair. Don't worry, you can pencil in eyebrows if needed. Or not; Whoopie Goldberg doesn't have any and it hasn't stopped her. You won't be able to close your eyes because the fluid that lubricates your eyeballs has dried up. You panic, thinking you're going to be stuck looking like Marty Feldman for the rest of your life.

10. Close the oven door. Switch off the lamp. Get yourself a cold beverage. You are done.

You have just experienced what it's like to visit Yuma, Arizona and if you did the experiment as outlined above, you won't ever have to set foot there. If you do, make sure you wear asbestos shoes, as the asphalt will melt your flip flops and leave the soles of your sneakers gummy and soft.

Here you will find the filthy lies the visitor's bureau tells of "pleasant desert sunshine" and "temperate summers."

Don't believe a word of it.

I've Been Everywhere Sunday

Finally back on the road after our mini-vacation last week, we've had two very interesting loads this week, supporting Ed's assertion that we support the nation's infrastructure; we delivered emergency Navy support equipment to the collapsed bridge in Minneapolis and this week, will be delivering the fence that is going to be used to build the RIDICULOUS waste of money along the southern US border.

While doing that all important work this week, our itinerary included the following places:

Baltimore, MD
Edison, NJ
Madison, WI (Behold the power of cheese!)
Minneapolis, MN
St. Louis, MO
Thornwood, NY
Tucson, AZ (SO INCREDIBLY HOT, you can smell your flesh burning in the sun)
Williamsburg, VA
Wilmington, DE
Yuma, AZ

Heading to Canada next! Can't wait for the drop in temperature!

Sizzling Good Time

Today was the birthday bash for my mother. Eddie drove me across the country to get there, I concocted the menu and did the cooking, my brother provided the venue and did the grilling and my sister-in-law made the cake! The menu was as follows:

Lettuce wedges with crumbled bacon,
chopped roma tomatoes and blue cheese

Fresh Italian bread

~~~~~

Grilled Herb Shrimp

Baked Scallops with Herbed Breadcrumb Topping

Grilled Filet Mignon

Steamed Fresh Green Beans

Rice Pilaf Almondine

~~~~~

Devil's Food Chocolate Cake

Chocolate Ice Cream

Coffee Ice Cream

Butter Pecan Ice Cream

Coffee

Tea

What a fabulous day we had!! We lounged in the pool, drank martini's, talked, laughed, took pictures and shot video that we later showed on my mother's new big screen TV!!! To say she was happy with the gift is a bit of an understatement.

Now we'll never be able to tear her away from Law and Order.

Milestones And Yardsticks: How To Measure A Good Life

Today my mother turns sixty five. A milestone birthday. That's her up there in the photo, taken by my grandfather when she was two years old.

There are so many things that people use as ways to measure the successes and events in their lives: jobs, marriages, health, wealth, children, grandchildren, parents, friends, family, births, deaths, etc. I believe my mother has been fortunate enough to have had many things in her life that would be measured favorably by anyone’s yardstick.

So what milestones and yardsticks does she have to measure her good life?

Well, at a very young age, my mother honed her exquisite skills of caring; she was a mother long before she had children of her own. As the oldest of four girls, she was often given the responsibility to take care of her sisters. They were all at different times her shadow, her charges, her worries, her projects, her little helpers, her stars. Each had their own special qualities and each, to this day, hold such importance in her heart that they can never be erased or replaced even though many miles separate them. Her heart still beats for each one of them and I know until her last day, she will consider each of them an integral part of her being; I hear it in her voice when she talks about them and know they will always be her little sisters, no matter how old they all get.

She was also fortunate to have had two wonderful parents. Living modestly and caring for four young girls, the home was filled with my grandfather’s guitar playing, the girls' singing, my grandmother sewing, and all of them learning how to cook. She often quotes my grandfather (just yesterday I got to hear one of his eccentric anecdotal quotes) when trying to make a point or give reason for how something is “just so” because Poppy said it. As for my grandmother, she gave much of herself and often didn’t express or heed her own feelings, but was able to spend the last of her days with my mother being her confidant, lunch date, Targets shopping buddy (that’s how Nanny said the name of the store - with an "s" on the end), and armchair traveling companion.

Who can stand one man in a lifetime? My mother. Who can stand two? Yup, mother again. Two husbands; different as night and day. The current one, whom she has been married to for twenty-seven years, was quite taken with her when they met. He charmed her, dated her, married her, took care of her, annoyed her, and loved her. Still to this day, he calls her the smartest and most beautiful woman he knows. He often states that out loud, adding “anyone who doesn’t see it has something wrong with them,” but typically throws in a few colorful words to describe those people. The first husband was my father; the handsome high school love who was a smooth, entertaining, talented cook, who always gave more than he had, filled the home with friends, family, and music, and who loved his “Tabby” as he called her, until the day he died. He also came with a wonderful family; how many people do you know who not only like, but love their in-laws??  My mother did.

Her next greatest accomplishment (her words, not mine) is her children. That’s right; Michael and me. I was the first, and Michael came a year later, and since the day of our births, she’s been our biggest fan. The one who has been there for us through everything. The one who sucked the watermelon pit out of Michael’s nose (no, I did not put it there) and fished through my poop for days to find the pinky ring I swallowed. Now that’s love. Thank God we no longer shove things up our noses or swallow items that don’t belong in our mouths. I guess when a mother says “don’t put that in your mouth, you’ll swallow it!”, one should listen.

Then we grew up. And surprisingly, she’s still our biggest fan. And proud?? All you have to do is listen to her speak. Michael, the entrepreneurial one, has traveled the path of success his entire life. Everything he touches becomes better. From when he was young, he was industrious and “just like Poppy,” as my mother used to say; able to both swing a hammer and spin a wrench with the greatest of ease. He’s not only a husband, father, homeowner, and successful business owner; he’s her SON. He might not think anyone is looking or noticing, but when she talks about him, her whole being glows with pride about all he is and all he's done. Her voice is filled with resolute admiration. He can build a dog house, and she’d look upon it as the modern-day Taj Mahal (yes, he really is that good). Michael takes up a good part of that yardstick.

Me? I’m the generous, mouthy, opinionated nomad. Never content with the mundane, I’ve always been a bit of a dabbler. Always employed, but over a lifetime, probably in nineteen different jobs/careers/callings/vocations. When my mother told me I didn’t “have the luxury" to sit on my ass and wait for the job I really wanted, I sat; and I got the job I wanted. And she, of course, was thrilled. When I came home from work one day to tell her I was quitting my job to move to Kentucky by the end of the week, she supported me. A few years later, when I again came home from work and told her I was quitting my job to go on the road with Ed (again, by the end of the week), she supported me. Support doesn’t always mean “in agreement with,” but I knew that if I did it, she’d be behind me. And she was. If you think Michael built the Taj Mahal, after listening to her talk about me, you’d come away thinking I was the female Sir Edmund Hillary; driving North America with the same aplomb with which he scaled Mt. Everest. So I think I’m probably a good part of the yardstick too.

In addition to her great children (modest, aren’t I?), she includes my Eddie as part of her life; loving him completely for his kind words, gentle ways, and superior Scrabble skills. But the one who really has us beat is my sister-in-law, who just yesterday my mother described as “Spectacular," "Beautiful,” and “Looking like she was ready to model on a runway.” Oh, and did I mention she was the one who gave my mother her life’s other greatest joy? Three grandsons.

Fuggedaboutit! They knock Michael and me off the yardstick completely. That was a big milestone, becoming a grandmother. Three times, no less. My uterus could shrivel up and blow away for all she cares. She’s got grandchildren. (Thanks, Pam, for saving my uterus!) Not a day goes by that my mother doesn’t have a story about one of them. The oldest gently corrects her because she’s not savvy in the ways of skateboarding, PlayStation, and some other "kid" things; the middle one likes his free time in her art room, and the youngest has decided that because he gets to shovel, rake, make mud, and do construction work in Nana’s back yard, his new favorite word is “debris.”

I’d say at sixty-five, she has a lot to be thankful for. She has passed many milestones during the journey of her life and has a yardstick that seemingly goes on forever, which she doesn’t even really need, to measure all the blessings that have been bestowed upon her.

So, Mommy, after the party is over and presents unwrapped, and you close the day on your 65th year, know that you are entertaining, sought after, needed, wanted, admired, cherished, emulated, and most of all, loved. I believe I can speak for us all when I say that you add immeasurable joy to our lives, and not a moment would be the same were you not to be in it.

Gateway To The West

We just passed by today, but plan to come back and take the tour when the temperature of the air and the asphalt doesn't make me feel as if I'm visiting the surface of the sun.

I can't even imagine being stuck in a 630 foot tall steel oven with hundreds of summer tourists. Besides, school starts soon and those dreaded vacationers and their children will be off the roads.

Now that's freedom.

Hope Collapses

Last night we made a delivery to the base of the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis.  We brought the Navy divers a mobile command center to help them coordinate their recovery efforts on site.

The Navy Master Chief in charge allowed me to take a few pictures and as usual, the events that we usually only see on TV are so different when seen in person. It has such incredible impact when you see something like this up close.

There are still several people missing and it looks as if finding them alive is no longer a possibility, as it's no longer a search effort, but a recovery.  Let's remember to keep these people and their families in our thoughts and prayers.