Dances With Sheepskin

So yesterday I'm driving along, chatting about Chipotle Adobo Rubbed Roast Chicken with my friend Vicki when all of a sudden, I had the urge to pee. I had been wiggling in my seat for miles, willing it to go away, but it wouldn't. And every bump in the road was making it worse. I told Vicki I had to get off the phone but that I'd call her back. I quickly hung up and scanned the horizon for a place to pull over.

There were no rest areas and I didn't know where the next truck stop was, but then I saw a billboard for Pat Garrett's Sheepskin Outlet. They had a sign that said "Truck Parking". Oh, thank God. So I pulled off the exit and into this teeny little lot. Ed was sleeping but I knew he wouldn't wake because he sleeps like a dead man, so I "made water" and then got back into the cab to back out. Well, the parking lot was small, so I thought I'd pull up to give myself more room and then back up. Before I knew it, I was stuck. Oh shit.

So I went into the sleeper and shook Ed awake saying, "Um, baby? You gotta get up."

"Why?"

"Well, I was trying to get out of this little parking lot by myself because I didn't want to wake you, but now I'm stuck." I said.

"What do you mean you're stuck?" he said.

What the hell does stuck mean??

"Stuck. Like, can't move. Like, I don't know. Stuck." I said. "In the snow."

He groans loudly and gets up to come out and look. This is Ed assessing the situation:

The drive tires were spinning on the ice and even though there was some bare asphalt, none of it was under the tires it needed to be under. The trailer was a little jackknifed, and the back tires of the trailer were up against a small snow bank. So we couldn't really back up. Ed went across the street and got a bucket of rock salt from the gas station people. He came back and threw salt under the tires while I rocked the truck back and forth. Nothing.

We tried to drop the trailer and drive the truck out from under it, thinking the weight of the trailer was making it hard to pull out (usually this helps, but I thought the angle of the trailer was hindering movement). Nothing. We tried to shove pieces of broken asphalt under the tires to grab. Nothing. I did not want to call a tow truck. Do you know how much a tow truck for an 18-wheeler costs?? So we kept trying. Ed is so patient. He just said, "Well, let's try something else." Didn't make me feel bad at ALL about getting stuck. Wasn't even pissed. He told me how he'd been in this same situation before and he was trying all the things he tried then. He hooked the trailer up again and told me to try low gear and rock it again. I did and got nothing.

Finally, Ed got in the truck and tried it again himself. I felt a little movement, then a little more. Before I knew it, we lurched forward and were out!! Eddie has the magic touch. I lost a mudflap in the process of backing into the snowbank, so Ed went to fix that and took the bucket of rock salt back to the lady in the store.

When he returned to the truck, he handed me this hideous thing.

"What the hell is that??" I said.

"It's a rug."

"A rug?? It looks like a potholder. What am I going to do with that?"

"Well, I don't know." he said.

"How much was it?"

"Thirty dollars." he said.

"THIRTY DOLLARS???? Holy shit. Why on earth would you spend thirty dollars on that??" I said.

"Well, the lady was nice. She gave us rock salt. I wanted to buy something."

"You couldn't buy a pack of gum?" I said.

"Well, if you don't want it, go pick out something else. I don't care."

So I went across the street and into the store to look for something else. I opened the door and immediately felt as if I'd walked into Hannibal Lecter's basement. Animal hides everywhere. And it smelled like dead....sheep? Tibetan goat? I wandered around the store looking at the sheepskin coats, vests, hats, gloves, boots, slippers and purses. Purses? I spied an ugly combination mink/who-knows-what coat priced in the thousands. I don't know how it's possible to fuck up mink, but they did. Now if I lived in a sub-zero climate, I might have purchased one of the more conservatively styled sheepskin coats, but I don't. Just looking at it all made me hot.

The woman would not give me my money back (even though Ed was in there just minutes before) and offered me a store credit (why would I want a store credit???). I knew I'd never be going back there, so I just picked something else. I wound up getting a pair of buttery soft deerskin gloves which likely, someone will be getting as a gift.

And if that someone is reading this, know that those gloves were thirty five dollars and they're really from Eddie, even though my name will be the one on the gift card.


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1 YEAR AGO:

The Seat You Offer To Your Arch Enemy
2 YEARS AGO: The Man With The Silver Handbag
3 YEARS AGO: Silver Snowscape
4 YEARS AGO: Let Go Let Flow