Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sí, Soy Un Ciudadano De Los Estados Unidos

When you leave Texas, heading west on Interstate-10, you don't get too far into New Mexico before you have to go through a border patrol checkpoint. I find this to be a huge pain in the ass. Why? Because they ask you if you're a citizen, which I find to be ridiculous. If you weren't a citizen, and you were trying to sneak through a border patrol checkpoint, wouldn't you just lie?

I mean, I actually know people who work for Homeland Security, and they're not all that bright. I don't think they can just "tell" whether you're being truthful or not. Especially when they're standing on the ground, looking up at you through the window of a truck cab, ten feet above them. It's not like they're eye to eye interrogating you.

And they always ask the same questions. It's like at the airport when they ask you if anyone asked you to carry a package for them. Although this time, the guy did throw a new one in. I was driving, and I pulled up to the little hut they stand in front of, rolled down my window and waited.

"How you doing?" he asked.

"Great." I said.

And I don't actually know what he said next because he was mumbling, so at the same time he was mumbling, I just said, "I'm a United States citizen."

"Are you alone?" he asked.


I'm so annoyed that I have to do this, I make them work for their answers. I only answer what I'm asked, offering no other information.

"Who else is with you?" he said.

"My co-driver."

"Is he a U.S. citizen?"  Why does he just assume my co-driver is a man??

"Yes." I said.

"How do you know?" he said.

What?? How do I know? I guess the same fucking way you know when I tell you I'm a U.S. citizen. Or maybe I know because I've seen his birth certificate. And his passport. And know that he's been fingerprinted and passed a background check by the very same Department of Homeland Security that employs you. And, oh, I don't know....because the fucking United States Marines said he is??

"I just do." I said.

Then he waved me through.

And that's how easy it was to smuggle Ed through another checkpoint.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Things You Do For Love
2010: Sweating Profusely From The Head Is Clearly A Sign Of A Highly Intelligent Individual
2009: Eddie Watching Boats And Waiting For Brisket Friday
2008: It’s Probably Best Not To Piss Of The Devil
2007: Reminders For Morons
2006: Feasting With Saints And Sinners
2005: We Live In The Signpost Forest


Gil said...

Getting a little carried away down there when they check your citizenship when going between states! I wonder what happens to legitimate tourists and Green Card holders?

Will it get better than this?

Ed said...

Gil they have always done this. I thinks its all for show. Just something to make people feel like the government is doing something. There are a lot of border patrol stations along the southern borders and lots of helicopters, four wheeled atv's, and off road trucks that patrol down there. I don't know how millions of illegals have slipped past this elite squad of professionals. For millions of illegals to have gotten in, it almost seems like the border patrol does nothing at all.

Hedon said...

I have no idea what causes it but I tend to lose my mind completely at border patrol check points. Stace could give you a list of utterly retarded things I've said to those poor guards. I think her favorite was when the guard stepped up on the running board to question me. Maggie got all excited and rushed toward him. Guard was startled and I kid you not I said, "Oh she's ok... she just wants you to lick her." Stace was in the bunk desperately trying to control her hysterical laughter. The guard stared at me like I had completely lost my mind. And I had no idea what was going on. Ugh.