Monday, July 20, 2009

Help Wanted. Must Have Own Cassock.

This morning as we were driving on Interstate 95 through Connecticut, I saw the following on a billboard:

Is the church doing so poorly that they need to advertise for priests on a billboard?? Or are they hoping to catch the eye of some desperate soul, fed up with his current job and the sagging economy, that while tooling along I-95 in Connecticut, he looks up, sees the billboard, and says to himself, "That's it!! I'll become a priest!"

Can you see that interview?

1. Tell me about yourself.
What's to tell? You're God. You're supposed to know everything about me.

2. Tell me about your experience.
Well, there was that one time I was an altar boy...

3. What is your most important accomplishment to date?
I haven't been able to turn water into wine if that's what you're getting at.

4. How would you describe your ideal job?
Counting money. My money. That'd be a pretty sweet job. But, if I can't do that, I guess working only Sunday might not be too shabby.

5. Why did you choose this career?
I didn't choose it. It chose me.

6. When did you decide on this career?
8:15 am, Tuesday morning, I-95 Northbound.

7. What goals do you have in your career?
I'd like to have a flock.  A large, moneyed flock.

8. How do you plan to achieve these goals?
Cable TV.

9. How do you personally define success?
The same way Merriam-Webster does - the attainment of wealth, favor or eminence.

10. Describe a situation in which you were successful.
I'm here talking to God aren't I? That's a pretty big deal.

11. What do you think it takes to be successful in this career?
Well, keeping your cassock on is a good start.

12. If you had to live your life over again, what one thing would you change?
I'd be a blond woman.  They get away with murder.

13. Would you rather work with information or with people?
With people I can feed information to. Via a sermon, of course.

14. Are you a team player?
Priests have a team?? What do you call yourselves, The Twelve Apostles? Ha ha ha! I crack myself up!

15. What motivates you?
Money and power.

16. Why should I hire you?
I can wag my finger ferociously at a crowd. I have a booming voice.  Well, not "God" booming, but pretty commanding. I'd be a big hit in the confessional, and I like wine.

17. Are you a goal-oriented person?
If the goal is to get people into Heaven, I'm your guy!

18. What is your long-range objective?
To stay out of Hell.

19. What do you see yourself doing five years from now?
Writing a book about my experience on the inside.

20. Where do you want to be ten years from now?
Well, being Pope might be nice. Who do I need to talk to about that gig?

21. Do you handle conflict well?
I put my conflict in your hands. I've been told that you're the man for that.

22. What is your greatest strength?
Getting people to follow my lead.

23. What is your greatest weakness?
Beer and boys. Ohhh, you mean like, "I have trouble delegating."

24. Why do you want to work in the faith industry?
Isn't that obvious? It's a big business, and it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. Job security.

25. What do you know about our company?
Well, I know they call you "The Big Guy" , "The Man Upstairs" and "The Almighty Father". I'm thinking this must be a pretty good place to work.

26. Do you have any location preferences?
A little church in the Italian Alps?

29. How familiar are you with the community we’re located in?
I know where the playground is.

30. Are you willing to relocate?
You mean if you have to move me for the sake of the "organization"? Sure.

31. Is money important to you?
Helloooooo. Did you NOT see my answer to number seven?

* That's not the actual billboard - we went by too fast for me to get a picture of it, so I've just recreated it using their words on my photo.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
1 YEAR AGO: It’s All An Illuuuuusion
2 YEARS AGO: Tipping Point
3 YEARS AGO: Snap Decision To A Healthier Life
4 YEARS AGO: Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer


girlofwords said...

I've seriously seen billboards like this. I know back home, it was a huge thing. There weren't enough priests to go around.

I just can't imagine that you're going to be driving around (if you're a single dude) and say, "Oh, snap. I want to be a priest."

Gil said...

There really is a shortage. In the past few years they have either closed or combined many churches in the diocese of Norwich (Eastern I-95) and the Hartford archdiocese. Wow, I-95 we live right off I-395! Maybe, you guys were close to her!

Mrs. Alston said...

Love the post. I can't believe they are that desperate. They went well beyond, "Turn life over to God" straight to "Become a Priest" GREAT!!!!

Stace said...

LOL. Good stuff, there. You and I appear to be having similar thoughts of late. :-)

Oh, seriously, by the way, the line, "I know where the playground is." I'll be chuckling over that one for a while.

Belledog said...

This was really clever, Salena. Well done.