Monday, August 02, 2010

See That Shiny Reflective Thing Over There? It's Called A Mirror. Meer. Or.

A few days ago, I wrote a post about practical dressing tips for the abundant woman. Well, Mike from Mike’s Short Attention Span Theater suggested in the comments section that I should do one for men. What a splendid idea! Read on...

10 Practical Dressing Tips For Men

1. I don't care what kind of physique you have, ripping the sleeves off of what was once a perfectly good button down shirt, doesn't work on anyone. Not even on The Cable Guy. The same goes for cutting the sleeves off t-shirts. Put the scissors down.

2. Unless you're a golfer or a pimp, I can't see a reason to wear pink plaid pants.

3. Your shirt must cover your gut at all times. If I can see the bottom edge of your belly peeking out from below, jiggling just beneath the last button or the edge of the hem, you either need to tuck it in, take it off or search for XLT - it means "Xtra-Large Tall" - the shirt will be longer and cover a multitude of sins.

4. T-shirts with verbiage that describe any kind of bodily function, any kind of sex act or any kind of retarted, immature juvenile vision of the world in general make YOU look like a retarded immature juvenile. This includes the "If you can read this, the bitch fell off" t-shirt.

5. Black socks with sandals or sneakers. It never works. Don't believe the buddy who tells you no one will notice. We notice.

6. If your ass crack shows at ANY time, you need a) a belt, b) suspenders, c) smaller pants or d) a mirror. If you are adjusting the back of your shirt every time you stand up, don't you think other people can see what it is you're trying to cover? People exist behind you...don't ruin their day.

7. Sweatpants should not be so tight that I can see the helmet of your little soldier, nor should they be so baggy in the ass that you look as if you need (or are wearing) a diaper. And while on the subject of baggy...there shouldn't be so much ballooning between waist and ankle that you can be mistaken for MC Hammer.

8. Consider your footwear. Buy something other than sneakers. There are tons of comfortable styles out there for men that look so much better, especially with jeans; a nice brown leather slip-on, a cowboy boot, a loafer, flip-flops, even sandals. Well, except for gladiator sandals. You're not Russell Crowe and this isn't 300 BC.

9. Skinny jeans. They don't even look good on 15-year old boys and rock stars. When I see these teenagers walking around the mall with their Zac Efron hair and their tight, low-rise, skinny jeans, "ridiculous" is the only word that comes to mind. I'm actually embarrassed for them.

10. Overalls. Unless you're Amish, a farmer, an Amish farmer or so super-effing-HOT that no one cares what you're wearing, you really shouldn't rock the overall. I can't imagine where you'd be going that overalls are appropriate attire. I might lift this ban for cute guys, but even then, I'd have to wonder why.

If you guys don't have a clue, ask a girl friend. Most women have a pretty decent sense of style. I say most because as we all know, we've seen guys violating numbers 1-10 who are still accompanied by a women. But I'd venture to say that if you did a poll in your office (well, unless your office is like my office...a truck stop), you're not going to find too many women who disagree with my list. If your girlfriend or wife has clothing suggestions for you, try it before you knock it.

That said, it's interesting that Mike would request this list because just from his headshot, he actually looks pretty decent. He's handsome, well-groomed and wearing a collared shirt AND jacket.

Now unless he's wearing pink plaid pants...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There Was A Burrito Bowl Calling My Name
The Charmed Life
Flowing History
Doors Opening And Closing
No Cal


Terry said...

Can I suggest a #11. Always wear a shirt in public, unless you are at the beach or a pool. You have no idea how many beer bellied guys walk through the door of my store with no shirt on usually they are rubbing there disgusting belly like "hey baby, ain't this sexy". Gag.

Anonymous said...

Aother great list...applause for you <>. And thank you for that lovely link to the overall wearing hottie.