Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth

Why don't we ever really say what is going on in a relationship when talking to our friends or loved ones? What are we really afraid of?

I've had several friends lately who are having relationship issues or have broken up with their partners. And now, after the fact, I have been hearing stuff that I never knew existed.

Why don't we tell the whole truth when seeking advice, telling a story or even complaining about our relationships; is it because we don't want to make our partners look bad or we don't want to make ourselves look bad? I think it must be the latter. We must wonder to ourselves, what does it say about me?

If you happen to have a mate with unfavorable qualities, a mate that you obviously chose to date, live with or marry and someone finds out about qualities in them that have never really surfaced, what does that say about you? That you can't make good choices? That you put up with unacceptable behavior? That you didn't see the signs early on that you can see very clearly right now?

I understand it's not always easy to tell the truth about these things, especially when the people you share most of these things with are your closest and dearest friends or your family members. They are already biased toward you and certainly wouldn't stand for someone not treating you as they think you should be treated.

The other person you have to worry about is yourself. You know when behavior is unacceptable. You know when you have asked someone to make some changes and they don't. You know what its like to cringe inside when your mate says or does something that you think makes you, or them, look bad. Yet, you let it happen. In fact, you not only let it happen, but you often cover up for it. You bring up all their good qualities or what they did for you recently that shows they "aren't really like that" or how much you love them and that it's okay when they have a bad day once in a while. It's not okay though, when that bad day never ends.

And then, you break up, and your view about them changes. You start to talk about all of the things you didn't like. The reasons you think the relationship ended. The things you will look for more closely in the next person. How crappy you felt because you knew it was happening and you let it. You are starting to have some clarity and you realize how it must look.

I understand that people are not perfect. That is precisely my point. It's not a bad thing to tell your confidants what is really going on, especially when you're confiding in them for a reason. If you think enough of them to even go to them for advice or guidance in the first place, you must trust their opinion on some level. Why not tell them everything that factors into the reason you are seeking them out? Tell them where your confusion or tension or ambivalence stems from. It's easier for them to guide you and it is easier on yourself if you have all of the facts before making a decision.

As it states in the Bible, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32 NIV)


Anonymous said...

I know people that have stayed together through prison sentences and gone on to be happy and live healthy lives. Times have changed. People want everything to be perfect and jump away when times get tough because they can. That's the problem with today's culture and the high divorce rate. No one sticks with it anymore. That is too bad because just as people change one way, they change back. If you stay with someone for a long time even though they have a few differences that you aren't used to, you will be rewarded with a lifetime conmpaion that you can rely on. Also judging people on their behavior requires a saint. I don't know any. I most likely never will.

Lisa M. said...

I think there is a lot of truth in your post,as well as the last commenter.

I think sometimes we don't tell all, because we don't want to admit that half of what is wrong, is with us, and we deeply know it.

You're right though, the truth will come out, with out a doubt.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I always "let it all hang out" to my a dearest friend of 33 years, who does the same and we trust each other. Of course she is the only friend I "let it all hang out" with.
I have experienced that other friends don't share as readily because it makes them feel less about themselves.
Also, I have observed that at times, we may not "tell all" because we ignore "the all", hoping it will go away, believing we have to "endure", thinking that tomorrow will be a better day and no sense talking about it.
At times, we may not "tell all" because we don't want advice because we know what the advice will be and we really don't want to do anything. We like to be door mats.
At times, we may not "tell all" because we just want to enjoy the company of a real friend without bringing in any negativity
of reality.
You think too much woman!
You are loved.